So this post should not be read as an indication that I am picking this project up again. I'm done trying to quit complaining. As I said in my last post, it's not a good time for that kind of project, and I'm not sure that it's even a project worth pursuing. I'm not giving up on cultivating a more positive attitude, but that will be an ongoing process.
However, I do like having this space to share my thoughts. I kept a blog a couple of years ago, which I only shared with a handful of friends, and it was nice to have that place to share segments of the running ticker tape of my thoughts about life, the universe, and everything. I don't feel like setting up a new blog (this one already has pages and an "About me" and everything-- it's so much more professional looking that what I've done in the past!), so I'll just keep on using this space. I'm sure you'll be seeing a lot more complaints here though. (Does it make me a hipster that I somewhat enjoy the irony in the fact that I'll likely be complaining and throwing around a whole lotta "fuck" on a blog that is boldly headlined "No Complaints" and is full of flowers and pink shit?)
I've been feeling much better these past two weeks (that's what caffeine and carbs do for me), so I'm feeling inclined to spread a little of the joy. I got to thinking about music, and wanted to share with you my favorite "happy" songs. These are songs that ALWAYS put me in a good mood when I hear them.
Here's my list:
Modest Mouse, Float On
Michael Jackson, Rock With You
Frente, Let the Sunshine In
Blur, Song No. 2
The Cure, Just Like Heaven (probably one of the best songs ever, period -- and one I can ALMOST completely play on the guitar)
Shirley Bassey, Big Spender (the video makes this one even better -- how can you not be happy watching her?)
Phunk Junkeez, Me N Yer Girl (I've never seen this video until now -- it's ridiculous. Totally misogynistic song, but damn do I love it.)
MGMT, Electric Feel
Sublime, What I Got
Salt N Pepa, Shoop
Honorable Mentions:
Rick Springfield, Jessie's Girl (Who uses "moot" in a song? Rick Springfield, that's who.)
Gwen Stefani, The Sweet Escape
Vampire Weekend, Mansard Roof
Beyonce, Crazy in Love
Bell Biv DeVoe, Poison
Doris Day, Que Sera Sera
Chaka Demus, Murder She Wrote
Digable Planets, Rebirth of Slick
Ice Cube, You Can Do It
Taio Cruz, Dynamite
Dusty Springfield, Son of a Preacher Man
George Michael, Faith
Less Than Jake, Frank
Lita Ford OR Reel Big Fish, Kiss Me Deadly
Patsy Cline,Back in Baby's Arms
Reel Big Fish, She Has a Girlfriend Now
Phil Collins, You Can't Hurry Love (I know it's a remake. I prefer the remake.)
50 Cent, In Da Club
Ini Kamoze, Hotstepper
What are your "happy" songs?
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Magher Out
Imagine a 50-year-old, 300-pound man suddenly deciding to run a marathon -- in four months. I am essentially that man. I have years of hard-earned cynicism and negativity that aren't going to come melting off without a little training. The determination is there. The desire is there. But so is life. And so are all its problems.
In the last month, I have grappled with the culminating effects of a nearly two-year battle with infertility (which occasionally erupted in tears and screaming, sometimes to strangers), the ongoing pressures of unemployment (my husband's, not my own), the attendant (but always lingering) struggle to understand exactly what the fuck it is I'm doing with my life (or even want to do), the lifelong culmination of family problems that include an estranged, drug-addicted mother (which is a VAST oversimplification and doesn't even begin to encompass the rest of the family drama that doesn't include her), work pressures, struggle with identity/self-image, and even more. No, I don't exaggerate to say that all these things have been pressing issues that have been actively dealt with in the past month. Add to that the fact that I have been unable to talk to most people about even one of these things, let alone all of them. What can anyone say?
The point is not to cry "Why me?" (though I still do sometimes...) but to note that perhaps it's just not the best time to try to force myself into sunniness and optimism. I'm not sure that even the most bright-eyed would come out the other side of this month without at least a few complaints.
So I'm dropping the blog. It's not helpful, and I just end up complaining about what I'm not complaining about. And I just don't want to have to think about another thing that isn't working out the way I'd like it to.
I leave you lovely people with this:
In the last month, I have grappled with the culminating effects of a nearly two-year battle with infertility (which occasionally erupted in tears and screaming, sometimes to strangers), the ongoing pressures of unemployment (my husband's, not my own), the attendant (but always lingering) struggle to understand exactly what the fuck it is I'm doing with my life (or even want to do), the lifelong culmination of family problems that include an estranged, drug-addicted mother (which is a VAST oversimplification and doesn't even begin to encompass the rest of the family drama that doesn't include her), work pressures, struggle with identity/self-image, and even more. No, I don't exaggerate to say that all these things have been pressing issues that have been actively dealt with in the past month. Add to that the fact that I have been unable to talk to most people about even one of these things, let alone all of them. What can anyone say?
The point is not to cry "Why me?" (though I still do sometimes...) but to note that perhaps it's just not the best time to try to force myself into sunniness and optimism. I'm not sure that even the most bright-eyed would come out the other side of this month without at least a few complaints.
So I'm dropping the blog. It's not helpful, and I just end up complaining about what I'm not complaining about. And I just don't want to have to think about another thing that isn't working out the way I'd like it to.
I leave you lovely people with this:
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Downhill.
That thermometer at the right hasn't been sitting at zero because I've been forgetting to update it. And it hasn't been stuck at zero because I've had a few slip-ups here and there. I haven't indulged in a few harmless "It's hot today"s or "Man, I'm hungry"s. I have been on a monumental, spectacular bender.
The last week and a half has been very stressful. And much of it has been spent on the phone with my insurance company, my HR department, and my doctor's office. I'm fine. I'm not dying, and I'm not losing a limb. But even simple matters have a way of being complicated by insurance companies. One day, I let out a little of my frustration to my co-workers, and what started as a trickle turned into a torrent. And it felt good.
After that, the gloves were off. I let it pour.
But I may have opened the flood gates too wide. I have a lot of pent up anger, and I stopped trying to keep that in check. Sooo the woman at the insurance company and the woman at the doctor's office got a little more than they were expecting when they tried to snark their way through the conversation. Unfortunately, so did everyone else in line at the security check-in at the airport. I kept an eye open for any TSA guards approaching. Luckily, none did.
I'm second-guessing my plan here. I'm not sure that it has been having the desired intent. Or perhaps it's not the right time to attempt it. I'm not sure that thinking about the small things I'm grateful for and trying to keep a lid on my complaints is going to help me make it through the other side of this heap of shit smiling.
What are your thoughts? Is this project worth it?
The last week and a half has been very stressful. And much of it has been spent on the phone with my insurance company, my HR department, and my doctor's office. I'm fine. I'm not dying, and I'm not losing a limb. But even simple matters have a way of being complicated by insurance companies. One day, I let out a little of my frustration to my co-workers, and what started as a trickle turned into a torrent. And it felt good.
After that, the gloves were off. I let it pour.
But I may have opened the flood gates too wide. I have a lot of pent up anger, and I stopped trying to keep that in check. Sooo the woman at the insurance company and the woman at the doctor's office got a little more than they were expecting when they tried to snark their way through the conversation. Unfortunately, so did everyone else in line at the security check-in at the airport. I kept an eye open for any TSA guards approaching. Luckily, none did.
I'm second-guessing my plan here. I'm not sure that it has been having the desired intent. Or perhaps it's not the right time to attempt it. I'm not sure that thinking about the small things I'm grateful for and trying to keep a lid on my complaints is going to help me make it through the other side of this heap of shit smiling.
What are your thoughts? Is this project worth it?
Monday, March 7, 2011
Funny ha ha.
A young monk joined an order that required total silence. At his discretion, the abbot could allow any monk to speak. It was nearly five years before the abbot approached the novice monk and said, "You may speak two words." Choosing his words carefully, the monk said, "Hard bed." With genuine concern, the abbot said, "I'm sorry your bed isn't comfortable. We'll see if we can get you another one."
Around his tenth year in the monastery, the abbot came to the young monk and said, "You may say two more words." "Cold food," the monk said. "We'll see what we can do," the abbot said.
On the monk's fifteenth anniversary, the abbot said again, "You may now speak two words." "I quit," the monk said. "It's probably for the best," replied the abbot. "You've done nothing but gripe since you got here."
From A Complaint-Free World, Will Bowen
1. I had a massage for the first time yesterday.
2. I gave up caffeine. Again.
3. Four-day work week!
Around his tenth year in the monastery, the abbot came to the young monk and said, "You may say two more words." "Cold food," the monk said. "We'll see what we can do," the abbot said.
On the monk's fifteenth anniversary, the abbot said again, "You may now speak two words." "I quit," the monk said. "It's probably for the best," replied the abbot. "You've done nothing but gripe since you got here."
From A Complaint-Free World, Will Bowen
1. I had a massage for the first time yesterday.
2. I gave up caffeine. Again.
3. Four-day work week!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
"Get off the complain train!"
Those pearls of wisdom are brought to you by the author of The No Complaining Rule: Positive Ways to deal with Negativity at Work. Jon Gordon urges you to, instead, get on the energy bus (coincidentally the name of another book he has written).
The No Complaining Rule tells the fictitious story of Hope (oh, how I love metaphorical, virtue names... ) who works at a big company named EZ Tech. Hope's life is about as shitty as it could possibly be: Her husband left her earlier in the year for another woman, her teenage daughter is always aggrieved over something, and she is awaiting some tests to find out if she has breast cancer, which runs in her family. To top it off, poor Hope is faced with a daily barrage of complaints at work, where she is the VP of human resources -- where HER JOB is to deal with employee complaints. But Hope has just had enough. She comes in to work late every day, she's got a crap attitude, and the security guard (whose name she doesn't even know) tells her how she's made his life crap, too, because her smile used to be the best part of his whole day and now he never gets to see it.
Everything comes to a head for Hope when her company is faced with a PR nightmare and she is tasked with coming up with a plan for how to rehabilitate the company culture. Hope finds inspiration from a plucky nurse who tells her to suck it up and stop complaining about everything. (I mean, she is there to get blood work done to potentially confirm that she has life-threatening cancer, but what the fuck? She just needs to get over that shit and stop whining.) Hope takes the new no-complaints message back to the company big wigs, and she is heralded as the genius who will lead the company out of its negativity and poor profits.
Aside from the terrible writing and the oversimplification, the book did have a few good points to make. For example, the book encourages a solution-oriented approach to complaining. Since there will be times when you need to (and should) complain, you should take the opportunity to find a way to change that situation. The approach sees complaining as a symptom of what's wrong with your life; if you're complaining about it, you're not happy about it. So what can you change to make you happy about it?
In a work environment, this principle is used to make employees present solutions for problems that they find within the company.
Generally, I support this idea. While I might complain about things like bad drivers or annoying people I meet without any thought to changing those things, my attitude towards larger problems -- like being unhappy in a work situation or in a friendship, for example -- has always been "What can I do about it?" That hasn't stopped me from complaining about those situations in the process, but I do always keep my thoughts focused on how I can change that situation and make it better.
The book also endorses the "finding the positive" technique, which I think is complete nonsense. This idea encourages you to think of situations not in terms of "have to" but "get to." In other words, I shouldn't think that I "have to" run in order to lose weight, but that I "get to" run because I have legs and I'm healthy. The second aspect of this is to find the "but." In other words, I shouldn't complain when my car breaks down or I get a flat tire, but I should think about how lucky I am to have a car. Or when I'm annoyed that I'm waiting in traffic for an hour, I should focus on the fact that I'm lucky to have a job to drive to in the traffic.
Sure, these are petty scenarios, and I shouldn't become consumed by complaining about them. But taking the "it could be worse" point of view is meaningless to me. It could ALWAYS be worse. Discomfort, inconvenience, and pain are all relative. It's better to find ways to attribute value to things in your life based on your own standards and circumstances. No, I don't feel lucky just to have a job to drive to in traffic, but I do try to keep the situation in perspective by noting that there's nothing I can do about how fast or slow cars or moving, and that no matter how annoyed I get, I won't move any faster. And then I try to focus on things like listening to good music or thinking about my day or watching the people around me.
The book also offers suggestions for things to do instead of complain. I was surprised to see that I already do many of them.
1. Let go of things that are beyond your control (see, my approach to traffic jams is part of the literature).
2. Meditate to reduce stress and to boost positive energy. (Tried that.)
3. Instead of complaining about other people, find the positive in them and praise their good qualities. NOT my strong suit. Other people are the biggest source of my complaints.
4. Focus on your successes and accomplishments to generate a lot of positive thinking about your daily life. Meh.
5. Practice gratitude. This suggestion actually includes noting THREE THINGS that you are grateful for or happy about each day. What do you know? I am a fucking happiness GENIUS!
What are your suggestions for "getting off the complain train?"
1. Chris got a part-time job. We are on our way to riches!
2. I went to see the fertility doctor again today, and I am starting a new course of medicine. The doctor presented the plan, and Chris said, "Question: Will it make our babies superheroes?" The doctor dead panned back: "Yes. If you're the parents."
3. We are going to Boston next week!
The No Complaining Rule tells the fictitious story of Hope (oh, how I love metaphorical, virtue names... ) who works at a big company named EZ Tech. Hope's life is about as shitty as it could possibly be: Her husband left her earlier in the year for another woman, her teenage daughter is always aggrieved over something, and she is awaiting some tests to find out if she has breast cancer, which runs in her family. To top it off, poor Hope is faced with a daily barrage of complaints at work, where she is the VP of human resources -- where HER JOB is to deal with employee complaints. But Hope has just had enough. She comes in to work late every day, she's got a crap attitude, and the security guard (whose name she doesn't even know) tells her how she's made his life crap, too, because her smile used to be the best part of his whole day and now he never gets to see it.
Everything comes to a head for Hope when her company is faced with a PR nightmare and she is tasked with coming up with a plan for how to rehabilitate the company culture. Hope finds inspiration from a plucky nurse who tells her to suck it up and stop complaining about everything. (I mean, she is there to get blood work done to potentially confirm that she has life-threatening cancer, but what the fuck? She just needs to get over that shit and stop whining.) Hope takes the new no-complaints message back to the company big wigs, and she is heralded as the genius who will lead the company out of its negativity and poor profits.
Aside from the terrible writing and the oversimplification, the book did have a few good points to make. For example, the book encourages a solution-oriented approach to complaining. Since there will be times when you need to (and should) complain, you should take the opportunity to find a way to change that situation. The approach sees complaining as a symptom of what's wrong with your life; if you're complaining about it, you're not happy about it. So what can you change to make you happy about it?
"If we pay attention to our thoughts, words, and complaints, we will learn a lot about what we don't want and don't like. We can then use what we don't want and don't like as a catalyst to help us determine what we do want and do like."
In a work environment, this principle is used to make employees present solutions for problems that they find within the company.
Generally, I support this idea. While I might complain about things like bad drivers or annoying people I meet without any thought to changing those things, my attitude towards larger problems -- like being unhappy in a work situation or in a friendship, for example -- has always been "What can I do about it?" That hasn't stopped me from complaining about those situations in the process, but I do always keep my thoughts focused on how I can change that situation and make it better.
The book also endorses the "finding the positive" technique, which I think is complete nonsense. This idea encourages you to think of situations not in terms of "have to" but "get to." In other words, I shouldn't think that I "have to" run in order to lose weight, but that I "get to" run because I have legs and I'm healthy. The second aspect of this is to find the "but." In other words, I shouldn't complain when my car breaks down or I get a flat tire, but I should think about how lucky I am to have a car. Or when I'm annoyed that I'm waiting in traffic for an hour, I should focus on the fact that I'm lucky to have a job to drive to in the traffic.
Sure, these are petty scenarios, and I shouldn't become consumed by complaining about them. But taking the "it could be worse" point of view is meaningless to me. It could ALWAYS be worse. Discomfort, inconvenience, and pain are all relative. It's better to find ways to attribute value to things in your life based on your own standards and circumstances. No, I don't feel lucky just to have a job to drive to in traffic, but I do try to keep the situation in perspective by noting that there's nothing I can do about how fast or slow cars or moving, and that no matter how annoyed I get, I won't move any faster. And then I try to focus on things like listening to good music or thinking about my day or watching the people around me.
The book also offers suggestions for things to do instead of complain. I was surprised to see that I already do many of them.
1. Let go of things that are beyond your control (see, my approach to traffic jams is part of the literature).
2. Meditate to reduce stress and to boost positive energy. (Tried that.)
3. Instead of complaining about other people, find the positive in them and praise their good qualities. NOT my strong suit. Other people are the biggest source of my complaints.
4. Focus on your successes and accomplishments to generate a lot of positive thinking about your daily life. Meh.
5. Practice gratitude. This suggestion actually includes noting THREE THINGS that you are grateful for or happy about each day. What do you know? I am a fucking happiness GENIUS!
What are your suggestions for "getting off the complain train?"
1. Chris got a part-time job. We are on our way to riches!
2. I went to see the fertility doctor again today, and I am starting a new course of medicine. The doctor presented the plan, and Chris said, "Question: Will it make our babies superheroes?" The doctor dead panned back: "Yes. If you're the parents."
3. We are going to Boston next week!
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Not working.
It's been about a hot minute since I posted here. It's been a busy few weeks, with surprise visits from out-of-town friends, a cold that knocked me on my ass for a few days, and ... oh YEAH writing and doll making in every spare second I have to make a coupla bucks. I'm a hustla baby... but that you knew.
Surprisingly, I have managed to remain complaint-free in my blogging absence. I haven't suddenly turned bright sider in the last 10 days -- I've just managed to keep my mouth shut about the nagging annoyances and everyday mini-dramas that normally get me going. (For example, I have managed to NOT tell everyone I know the story of the epic showdown between myself and the snarky grocery store cashier last weekend. I'm beginning to think I'm some kind of enfant terrible of the grocery store world -- it always seems to be where I run into trouble.)
Despite my success in limiting my complaints, there hasn't been a corresponding positive surge in my overall outlook. No warm fuzzies live here. In fact, the opposite has been true. My outlook is about as bad as it ever has been. And I've begun to question the wisdom of my endeavor. I know, I know: I'm like the person who stops eating carbs for two days and gets pissed when I haven't lost five pounds already then binges on cupcakes because it's just no use. (No, no reason why I picked that example. Carry on.) A few people have expressed doubts about the usefulness of limiting complaints, and I'm beginning to feel like I should join their ranks. (OK, RETURN to their ranks...) The general rule of thought is that limiting complaining is akin to limiting your feelings, which only leads to internalizing them and creating more problems for yourself. Or that complaining is really only a manifestation of underlying unhappiness about other aspects of your life. I generally agree with both arguments. But I also think that there is some value in limiting the manifestation of negative thoughts in order to create more positivity.
What are your thoughts? Do you think trying to cut out complaining is a worthwhile effort? Why or why not?
1. I managed to NOT eat Arby's on the way home from the gym tonight!
2. I actually WENT to the gym tonight!
3. It was a beautiful, sunny day out today. And it's still February.
Surprisingly, I have managed to remain complaint-free in my blogging absence. I haven't suddenly turned bright sider in the last 10 days -- I've just managed to keep my mouth shut about the nagging annoyances and everyday mini-dramas that normally get me going. (For example, I have managed to NOT tell everyone I know the story of the epic showdown between myself and the snarky grocery store cashier last weekend. I'm beginning to think I'm some kind of enfant terrible of the grocery store world -- it always seems to be where I run into trouble.)
Despite my success in limiting my complaints, there hasn't been a corresponding positive surge in my overall outlook. No warm fuzzies live here. In fact, the opposite has been true. My outlook is about as bad as it ever has been. And I've begun to question the wisdom of my endeavor. I know, I know: I'm like the person who stops eating carbs for two days and gets pissed when I haven't lost five pounds already then binges on cupcakes because it's just no use. (No, no reason why I picked that example. Carry on.) A few people have expressed doubts about the usefulness of limiting complaints, and I'm beginning to feel like I should join their ranks. (OK, RETURN to their ranks...) The general rule of thought is that limiting complaining is akin to limiting your feelings, which only leads to internalizing them and creating more problems for yourself. Or that complaining is really only a manifestation of underlying unhappiness about other aspects of your life. I generally agree with both arguments. But I also think that there is some value in limiting the manifestation of negative thoughts in order to create more positivity.
What are your thoughts? Do you think trying to cut out complaining is a worthwhile effort? Why or why not?
1. I managed to NOT eat Arby's on the way home from the gym tonight!
2. I actually WENT to the gym tonight!
3. It was a beautiful, sunny day out today. And it's still February.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Living for today...
Tonight, I attended a workshop at Duke Integrative Medicine called "An Evening of Mindfulness" with Dr. Jeffrey Brantley. The Duke Integrative Medicine Center is a mecca for hippies and other new-age types -- offering acupuncture, massage, yoga, meditation and other feel-good services. And underneath my cranky exterior, general misanthropy and on-again, off-again flirtations of becoming a lawyer or some other corporate type, I really am a big hippie at heart. I'm happy in a flowy patchwork skirt and a ring of tiny bells around my ankle. And I once had an intense black-light phase.
All that is to say that I could live at Duke Integrative Medicine and be very happy. I was first introduced to their services when my friend Jen bought me a "half-day experience" there after I had the miscarriage in October. I went for yoga, lunch, acupuncture (in which the acupuncturist unwittingly doubled as my therapist for the next hour) and some peaceful alone time (which they specifically cater to by offering several "reflecting" rooms, usually populated by trickling streams and rock formations).
Tonight, I attended the free workshop, which promised to offer tips for mindfulness to help reduce stress and anxiety. The center offers a more comprehensive, eight-week course on Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), and the workshop was a bit of a sales pitch to take the (very expensive) course. However, I did find the workshop to be very interesting, and it offered some valuable insights.
The premise behind the method is that you learn to focus on the present moment by focusing on your breathing or sounds around you, and you learn to let go of the nagging thoughts that can create anxiety. That includes the constant negative self-talk -- the inner critic. You learn to focus on the present instead of constantly rehashing events from the past or worrying about what might happen in the future. And once you're able to live more fully in the present, and learn to accept things as they are without judgment and criticism, you'll be better able to accept yourself and become less critical of those around you. And you'll be better able to control your reactions to situations.
This speaks to me. My inner critic is always at 11. And my mind is always racing. I am always thinking about not only what I have to do now, in the next few minutes, but what I have to do after that and then what I have to do after that and then what I have to do after that. And all the while, I'm still thinking about what I'm going to get accomplished over the weekend, by the end of the week, by the end of the month, by the end of the year, by the time I'm 35, by the time I'm 50, by the time I'm 80 and so on and so on. I am always questioning, always evaluating the ends and means of my days. Is this time well spent? Even if this is something I'd rather not be doing now, is it something that will add value to my life later? It's exhausting. But establishing that control is the only way I know to actually feel better in some ways about my life. It's an endless loop.
I'm also hesitant when it comes to meditation and other "mind control." I want something that will help NOW. Closing my eyes and listening to my breath doesn't calm me down so much as it puts me to sleep. It's like my body's way of rebelling. If I try to drag my mind kicking and screaming into the happy zone, it's like, "Nah. Peace."
Just as I was starting to warm up to the speaker and was starting to think, "Well, maybe I do feel a bit lighter after those two minutes of stillness..." he started asking the audience questions about how they deal with stress and what affect it has on their bodies, and I heard a familiar shrill voice ring out from the crowd. Old and creaky and laced with saccharine and hypocrisy. It's a voice that I heard whine to me every day about everyone who misunderstood her and just made her life so miserable when I was working as a temp a little over a year ago. It was the voice that made me wonder, "Shit, what am I going to do if they offer me the job?? I CAN'T listen to this every day." Sherry (not her real name) came into the office (the one that only she and I shared -- extra cozy comfort time) and complained to me about our boss, about all the co-workers who were out to get her, about her landlady who was so unfair because she wanted to charge her for breaking the lease early, about her son who never called, and about anything and everything that reminded her about how aggrieved she was. And when she wasn't complaining, she was always trying to convince me about how smart and cultured she was, telling me stories about great jobs she had had, or obscure books she had read. I hated her. The only way I had to cope with her was to literally not look at her when she spoke (hoping that keeping my back to her and typing away would make her think I was too busy to talk -- it didn't) and to respond to the things she said with things like "hmmm" or "mm--mm--mmo" (a mumbled "I dunno") or the occasional "huh."
Sherry was the perfect example of what constant complaining does to a person -- and everyone around that person.
I heard her voice and whipped around in shock. I wanted to jump out of my chair, point at her, and scream "Imposter! She's a dirty, lying hypocrite! Don't listen to her! Don't empathize with her! And, what more, she has robbed me of my moment of mindfulness!"
Alas, my brief mindfulness training kept me from doing so, and I was able to keep my attention on the lecture -- being mindful not to ever shift my gaze to the right and inadvertently make eye contact, and being careful to get up as soon as the lecture was over and leave without looking back.
I was able to slip out without making contact -- and I managed to buy one of the presenter's books while doing so. Maybe there is something to this mindfulness after all....
1. I heard a very inspiring lecture over the weekend that made me feel like great things are possible.
2. I got to spend time with some very good friends over the weekend.
3. Cookies and burritos -- no matter what they do to the waist line, they are good for the soul.
All that is to say that I could live at Duke Integrative Medicine and be very happy. I was first introduced to their services when my friend Jen bought me a "half-day experience" there after I had the miscarriage in October. I went for yoga, lunch, acupuncture (in which the acupuncturist unwittingly doubled as my therapist for the next hour) and some peaceful alone time (which they specifically cater to by offering several "reflecting" rooms, usually populated by trickling streams and rock formations).
Tonight, I attended the free workshop, which promised to offer tips for mindfulness to help reduce stress and anxiety. The center offers a more comprehensive, eight-week course on Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), and the workshop was a bit of a sales pitch to take the (very expensive) course. However, I did find the workshop to be very interesting, and it offered some valuable insights.
The premise behind the method is that you learn to focus on the present moment by focusing on your breathing or sounds around you, and you learn to let go of the nagging thoughts that can create anxiety. That includes the constant negative self-talk -- the inner critic. You learn to focus on the present instead of constantly rehashing events from the past or worrying about what might happen in the future. And once you're able to live more fully in the present, and learn to accept things as they are without judgment and criticism, you'll be better able to accept yourself and become less critical of those around you. And you'll be better able to control your reactions to situations.
This speaks to me. My inner critic is always at 11. And my mind is always racing. I am always thinking about not only what I have to do now, in the next few minutes, but what I have to do after that and then what I have to do after that and then what I have to do after that. And all the while, I'm still thinking about what I'm going to get accomplished over the weekend, by the end of the week, by the end of the month, by the end of the year, by the time I'm 35, by the time I'm 50, by the time I'm 80 and so on and so on. I am always questioning, always evaluating the ends and means of my days. Is this time well spent? Even if this is something I'd rather not be doing now, is it something that will add value to my life later? It's exhausting. But establishing that control is the only way I know to actually feel better in some ways about my life. It's an endless loop.
I'm also hesitant when it comes to meditation and other "mind control." I want something that will help NOW. Closing my eyes and listening to my breath doesn't calm me down so much as it puts me to sleep. It's like my body's way of rebelling. If I try to drag my mind kicking and screaming into the happy zone, it's like, "Nah. Peace."
Just as I was starting to warm up to the speaker and was starting to think, "Well, maybe I do feel a bit lighter after those two minutes of stillness..." he started asking the audience questions about how they deal with stress and what affect it has on their bodies, and I heard a familiar shrill voice ring out from the crowd. Old and creaky and laced with saccharine and hypocrisy. It's a voice that I heard whine to me every day about everyone who misunderstood her and just made her life so miserable when I was working as a temp a little over a year ago. It was the voice that made me wonder, "Shit, what am I going to do if they offer me the job?? I CAN'T listen to this every day." Sherry (not her real name) came into the office (the one that only she and I shared -- extra cozy comfort time) and complained to me about our boss, about all the co-workers who were out to get her, about her landlady who was so unfair because she wanted to charge her for breaking the lease early, about her son who never called, and about anything and everything that reminded her about how aggrieved she was. And when she wasn't complaining, she was always trying to convince me about how smart and cultured she was, telling me stories about great jobs she had had, or obscure books she had read. I hated her. The only way I had to cope with her was to literally not look at her when she spoke (hoping that keeping my back to her and typing away would make her think I was too busy to talk -- it didn't) and to respond to the things she said with things like "hmmm" or "mm--mm--mmo" (a mumbled "I dunno") or the occasional "huh."
Sherry was the perfect example of what constant complaining does to a person -- and everyone around that person.
I heard her voice and whipped around in shock. I wanted to jump out of my chair, point at her, and scream "Imposter! She's a dirty, lying hypocrite! Don't listen to her! Don't empathize with her! And, what more, she has robbed me of my moment of mindfulness!"
Alas, my brief mindfulness training kept me from doing so, and I was able to keep my attention on the lecture -- being mindful not to ever shift my gaze to the right and inadvertently make eye contact, and being careful to get up as soon as the lecture was over and leave without looking back.
I was able to slip out without making contact -- and I managed to buy one of the presenter's books while doing so. Maybe there is something to this mindfulness after all....
1. I heard a very inspiring lecture over the weekend that made me feel like great things are possible.
2. I got to spend time with some very good friends over the weekend.
3. Cookies and burritos -- no matter what they do to the waist line, they are good for the soul.
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