So this post should not be read as an indication that I am picking this project up again. I'm done trying to quit complaining. As I said in my last post, it's not a good time for that kind of project, and I'm not sure that it's even a project worth pursuing. I'm not giving up on cultivating a more positive attitude, but that will be an ongoing process.
However, I do like having this space to share my thoughts. I kept a blog a couple of years ago, which I only shared with a handful of friends, and it was nice to have that place to share segments of the running ticker tape of my thoughts about life, the universe, and everything. I don't feel like setting up a new blog (this one already has pages and an "About me" and everything-- it's so much more professional looking that what I've done in the past!), so I'll just keep on using this space. I'm sure you'll be seeing a lot more complaints here though. (Does it make me a hipster that I somewhat enjoy the irony in the fact that I'll likely be complaining and throwing around a whole lotta "fuck" on a blog that is boldly headlined "No Complaints" and is full of flowers and pink shit?)
I've been feeling much better these past two weeks (that's what caffeine and carbs do for me), so I'm feeling inclined to spread a little of the joy. I got to thinking about music, and wanted to share with you my favorite "happy" songs. These are songs that ALWAYS put me in a good mood when I hear them.
Here's my list:
Modest Mouse, Float On
Michael Jackson, Rock With You
Frente, Let the Sunshine In
Blur, Song No. 2
The Cure, Just Like Heaven (probably one of the best songs ever, period -- and one I can ALMOST completely play on the guitar)
Shirley Bassey, Big Spender (the video makes this one even better -- how can you not be happy watching her?)
Phunk Junkeez, Me N Yer Girl (I've never seen this video until now -- it's ridiculous. Totally misogynistic song, but damn do I love it.)
MGMT, Electric Feel
Sublime, What I Got
Salt N Pepa, Shoop
Honorable Mentions:
Rick Springfield, Jessie's Girl (Who uses "moot" in a song? Rick Springfield, that's who.)
Gwen Stefani, The Sweet Escape
Vampire Weekend, Mansard Roof
Beyonce, Crazy in Love
Bell Biv DeVoe, Poison
Doris Day, Que Sera Sera
Chaka Demus, Murder She Wrote
Digable Planets, Rebirth of Slick
Ice Cube, You Can Do It
Taio Cruz, Dynamite
Dusty Springfield, Son of a Preacher Man
George Michael, Faith
Less Than Jake, Frank
Lita Ford OR Reel Big Fish, Kiss Me Deadly
Patsy Cline,Back in Baby's Arms
Reel Big Fish, She Has a Girlfriend Now
Phil Collins, You Can't Hurry Love (I know it's a remake. I prefer the remake.)
50 Cent, In Da Club
Ini Kamoze, Hotstepper
What are your "happy" songs?
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Magher Out
Imagine a 50-year-old, 300-pound man suddenly deciding to run a marathon -- in four months. I am essentially that man. I have years of hard-earned cynicism and negativity that aren't going to come melting off without a little training. The determination is there. The desire is there. But so is life. And so are all its problems.
In the last month, I have grappled with the culminating effects of a nearly two-year battle with infertility (which occasionally erupted in tears and screaming, sometimes to strangers), the ongoing pressures of unemployment (my husband's, not my own), the attendant (but always lingering) struggle to understand exactly what the fuck it is I'm doing with my life (or even want to do), the lifelong culmination of family problems that include an estranged, drug-addicted mother (which is a VAST oversimplification and doesn't even begin to encompass the rest of the family drama that doesn't include her), work pressures, struggle with identity/self-image, and even more. No, I don't exaggerate to say that all these things have been pressing issues that have been actively dealt with in the past month. Add to that the fact that I have been unable to talk to most people about even one of these things, let alone all of them. What can anyone say?
The point is not to cry "Why me?" (though I still do sometimes...) but to note that perhaps it's just not the best time to try to force myself into sunniness and optimism. I'm not sure that even the most bright-eyed would come out the other side of this month without at least a few complaints.
So I'm dropping the blog. It's not helpful, and I just end up complaining about what I'm not complaining about. And I just don't want to have to think about another thing that isn't working out the way I'd like it to.
I leave you lovely people with this:
In the last month, I have grappled with the culminating effects of a nearly two-year battle with infertility (which occasionally erupted in tears and screaming, sometimes to strangers), the ongoing pressures of unemployment (my husband's, not my own), the attendant (but always lingering) struggle to understand exactly what the fuck it is I'm doing with my life (or even want to do), the lifelong culmination of family problems that include an estranged, drug-addicted mother (which is a VAST oversimplification and doesn't even begin to encompass the rest of the family drama that doesn't include her), work pressures, struggle with identity/self-image, and even more. No, I don't exaggerate to say that all these things have been pressing issues that have been actively dealt with in the past month. Add to that the fact that I have been unable to talk to most people about even one of these things, let alone all of them. What can anyone say?
The point is not to cry "Why me?" (though I still do sometimes...) but to note that perhaps it's just not the best time to try to force myself into sunniness and optimism. I'm not sure that even the most bright-eyed would come out the other side of this month without at least a few complaints.
So I'm dropping the blog. It's not helpful, and I just end up complaining about what I'm not complaining about. And I just don't want to have to think about another thing that isn't working out the way I'd like it to.
I leave you lovely people with this:
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Downhill.
That thermometer at the right hasn't been sitting at zero because I've been forgetting to update it. And it hasn't been stuck at zero because I've had a few slip-ups here and there. I haven't indulged in a few harmless "It's hot today"s or "Man, I'm hungry"s. I have been on a monumental, spectacular bender.
The last week and a half has been very stressful. And much of it has been spent on the phone with my insurance company, my HR department, and my doctor's office. I'm fine. I'm not dying, and I'm not losing a limb. But even simple matters have a way of being complicated by insurance companies. One day, I let out a little of my frustration to my co-workers, and what started as a trickle turned into a torrent. And it felt good.
After that, the gloves were off. I let it pour.
But I may have opened the flood gates too wide. I have a lot of pent up anger, and I stopped trying to keep that in check. Sooo the woman at the insurance company and the woman at the doctor's office got a little more than they were expecting when they tried to snark their way through the conversation. Unfortunately, so did everyone else in line at the security check-in at the airport. I kept an eye open for any TSA guards approaching. Luckily, none did.
I'm second-guessing my plan here. I'm not sure that it has been having the desired intent. Or perhaps it's not the right time to attempt it. I'm not sure that thinking about the small things I'm grateful for and trying to keep a lid on my complaints is going to help me make it through the other side of this heap of shit smiling.
What are your thoughts? Is this project worth it?
The last week and a half has been very stressful. And much of it has been spent on the phone with my insurance company, my HR department, and my doctor's office. I'm fine. I'm not dying, and I'm not losing a limb. But even simple matters have a way of being complicated by insurance companies. One day, I let out a little of my frustration to my co-workers, and what started as a trickle turned into a torrent. And it felt good.
After that, the gloves were off. I let it pour.
But I may have opened the flood gates too wide. I have a lot of pent up anger, and I stopped trying to keep that in check. Sooo the woman at the insurance company and the woman at the doctor's office got a little more than they were expecting when they tried to snark their way through the conversation. Unfortunately, so did everyone else in line at the security check-in at the airport. I kept an eye open for any TSA guards approaching. Luckily, none did.
I'm second-guessing my plan here. I'm not sure that it has been having the desired intent. Or perhaps it's not the right time to attempt it. I'm not sure that thinking about the small things I'm grateful for and trying to keep a lid on my complaints is going to help me make it through the other side of this heap of shit smiling.
What are your thoughts? Is this project worth it?
Monday, March 7, 2011
Funny ha ha.
A young monk joined an order that required total silence. At his discretion, the abbot could allow any monk to speak. It was nearly five years before the abbot approached the novice monk and said, "You may speak two words." Choosing his words carefully, the monk said, "Hard bed." With genuine concern, the abbot said, "I'm sorry your bed isn't comfortable. We'll see if we can get you another one."
Around his tenth year in the monastery, the abbot came to the young monk and said, "You may say two more words." "Cold food," the monk said. "We'll see what we can do," the abbot said.
On the monk's fifteenth anniversary, the abbot said again, "You may now speak two words." "I quit," the monk said. "It's probably for the best," replied the abbot. "You've done nothing but gripe since you got here."
From A Complaint-Free World, Will Bowen
1. I had a massage for the first time yesterday.
2. I gave up caffeine. Again.
3. Four-day work week!
Around his tenth year in the monastery, the abbot came to the young monk and said, "You may say two more words." "Cold food," the monk said. "We'll see what we can do," the abbot said.
On the monk's fifteenth anniversary, the abbot said again, "You may now speak two words." "I quit," the monk said. "It's probably for the best," replied the abbot. "You've done nothing but gripe since you got here."
From A Complaint-Free World, Will Bowen
1. I had a massage for the first time yesterday.
2. I gave up caffeine. Again.
3. Four-day work week!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
"Get off the complain train!"
Those pearls of wisdom are brought to you by the author of The No Complaining Rule: Positive Ways to deal with Negativity at Work. Jon Gordon urges you to, instead, get on the energy bus (coincidentally the name of another book he has written).
The No Complaining Rule tells the fictitious story of Hope (oh, how I love metaphorical, virtue names... ) who works at a big company named EZ Tech. Hope's life is about as shitty as it could possibly be: Her husband left her earlier in the year for another woman, her teenage daughter is always aggrieved over something, and she is awaiting some tests to find out if she has breast cancer, which runs in her family. To top it off, poor Hope is faced with a daily barrage of complaints at work, where she is the VP of human resources -- where HER JOB is to deal with employee complaints. But Hope has just had enough. She comes in to work late every day, she's got a crap attitude, and the security guard (whose name she doesn't even know) tells her how she's made his life crap, too, because her smile used to be the best part of his whole day and now he never gets to see it.
Everything comes to a head for Hope when her company is faced with a PR nightmare and she is tasked with coming up with a plan for how to rehabilitate the company culture. Hope finds inspiration from a plucky nurse who tells her to suck it up and stop complaining about everything. (I mean, she is there to get blood work done to potentially confirm that she has life-threatening cancer, but what the fuck? She just needs to get over that shit and stop whining.) Hope takes the new no-complaints message back to the company big wigs, and she is heralded as the genius who will lead the company out of its negativity and poor profits.
Aside from the terrible writing and the oversimplification, the book did have a few good points to make. For example, the book encourages a solution-oriented approach to complaining. Since there will be times when you need to (and should) complain, you should take the opportunity to find a way to change that situation. The approach sees complaining as a symptom of what's wrong with your life; if you're complaining about it, you're not happy about it. So what can you change to make you happy about it?
In a work environment, this principle is used to make employees present solutions for problems that they find within the company.
Generally, I support this idea. While I might complain about things like bad drivers or annoying people I meet without any thought to changing those things, my attitude towards larger problems -- like being unhappy in a work situation or in a friendship, for example -- has always been "What can I do about it?" That hasn't stopped me from complaining about those situations in the process, but I do always keep my thoughts focused on how I can change that situation and make it better.
The book also endorses the "finding the positive" technique, which I think is complete nonsense. This idea encourages you to think of situations not in terms of "have to" but "get to." In other words, I shouldn't think that I "have to" run in order to lose weight, but that I "get to" run because I have legs and I'm healthy. The second aspect of this is to find the "but." In other words, I shouldn't complain when my car breaks down or I get a flat tire, but I should think about how lucky I am to have a car. Or when I'm annoyed that I'm waiting in traffic for an hour, I should focus on the fact that I'm lucky to have a job to drive to in the traffic.
Sure, these are petty scenarios, and I shouldn't become consumed by complaining about them. But taking the "it could be worse" point of view is meaningless to me. It could ALWAYS be worse. Discomfort, inconvenience, and pain are all relative. It's better to find ways to attribute value to things in your life based on your own standards and circumstances. No, I don't feel lucky just to have a job to drive to in traffic, but I do try to keep the situation in perspective by noting that there's nothing I can do about how fast or slow cars or moving, and that no matter how annoyed I get, I won't move any faster. And then I try to focus on things like listening to good music or thinking about my day or watching the people around me.
The book also offers suggestions for things to do instead of complain. I was surprised to see that I already do many of them.
1. Let go of things that are beyond your control (see, my approach to traffic jams is part of the literature).
2. Meditate to reduce stress and to boost positive energy. (Tried that.)
3. Instead of complaining about other people, find the positive in them and praise their good qualities. NOT my strong suit. Other people are the biggest source of my complaints.
4. Focus on your successes and accomplishments to generate a lot of positive thinking about your daily life. Meh.
5. Practice gratitude. This suggestion actually includes noting THREE THINGS that you are grateful for or happy about each day. What do you know? I am a fucking happiness GENIUS!
What are your suggestions for "getting off the complain train?"
1. Chris got a part-time job. We are on our way to riches!
2. I went to see the fertility doctor again today, and I am starting a new course of medicine. The doctor presented the plan, and Chris said, "Question: Will it make our babies superheroes?" The doctor dead panned back: "Yes. If you're the parents."
3. We are going to Boston next week!
The No Complaining Rule tells the fictitious story of Hope (oh, how I love metaphorical, virtue names... ) who works at a big company named EZ Tech. Hope's life is about as shitty as it could possibly be: Her husband left her earlier in the year for another woman, her teenage daughter is always aggrieved over something, and she is awaiting some tests to find out if she has breast cancer, which runs in her family. To top it off, poor Hope is faced with a daily barrage of complaints at work, where she is the VP of human resources -- where HER JOB is to deal with employee complaints. But Hope has just had enough. She comes in to work late every day, she's got a crap attitude, and the security guard (whose name she doesn't even know) tells her how she's made his life crap, too, because her smile used to be the best part of his whole day and now he never gets to see it.
Everything comes to a head for Hope when her company is faced with a PR nightmare and she is tasked with coming up with a plan for how to rehabilitate the company culture. Hope finds inspiration from a plucky nurse who tells her to suck it up and stop complaining about everything. (I mean, she is there to get blood work done to potentially confirm that she has life-threatening cancer, but what the fuck? She just needs to get over that shit and stop whining.) Hope takes the new no-complaints message back to the company big wigs, and she is heralded as the genius who will lead the company out of its negativity and poor profits.
Aside from the terrible writing and the oversimplification, the book did have a few good points to make. For example, the book encourages a solution-oriented approach to complaining. Since there will be times when you need to (and should) complain, you should take the opportunity to find a way to change that situation. The approach sees complaining as a symptom of what's wrong with your life; if you're complaining about it, you're not happy about it. So what can you change to make you happy about it?
"If we pay attention to our thoughts, words, and complaints, we will learn a lot about what we don't want and don't like. We can then use what we don't want and don't like as a catalyst to help us determine what we do want and do like."
In a work environment, this principle is used to make employees present solutions for problems that they find within the company.
Generally, I support this idea. While I might complain about things like bad drivers or annoying people I meet without any thought to changing those things, my attitude towards larger problems -- like being unhappy in a work situation or in a friendship, for example -- has always been "What can I do about it?" That hasn't stopped me from complaining about those situations in the process, but I do always keep my thoughts focused on how I can change that situation and make it better.
The book also endorses the "finding the positive" technique, which I think is complete nonsense. This idea encourages you to think of situations not in terms of "have to" but "get to." In other words, I shouldn't think that I "have to" run in order to lose weight, but that I "get to" run because I have legs and I'm healthy. The second aspect of this is to find the "but." In other words, I shouldn't complain when my car breaks down or I get a flat tire, but I should think about how lucky I am to have a car. Or when I'm annoyed that I'm waiting in traffic for an hour, I should focus on the fact that I'm lucky to have a job to drive to in the traffic.
Sure, these are petty scenarios, and I shouldn't become consumed by complaining about them. But taking the "it could be worse" point of view is meaningless to me. It could ALWAYS be worse. Discomfort, inconvenience, and pain are all relative. It's better to find ways to attribute value to things in your life based on your own standards and circumstances. No, I don't feel lucky just to have a job to drive to in traffic, but I do try to keep the situation in perspective by noting that there's nothing I can do about how fast or slow cars or moving, and that no matter how annoyed I get, I won't move any faster. And then I try to focus on things like listening to good music or thinking about my day or watching the people around me.
The book also offers suggestions for things to do instead of complain. I was surprised to see that I already do many of them.
1. Let go of things that are beyond your control (see, my approach to traffic jams is part of the literature).
2. Meditate to reduce stress and to boost positive energy. (Tried that.)
3. Instead of complaining about other people, find the positive in them and praise their good qualities. NOT my strong suit. Other people are the biggest source of my complaints.
4. Focus on your successes and accomplishments to generate a lot of positive thinking about your daily life. Meh.
5. Practice gratitude. This suggestion actually includes noting THREE THINGS that you are grateful for or happy about each day. What do you know? I am a fucking happiness GENIUS!
What are your suggestions for "getting off the complain train?"
1. Chris got a part-time job. We are on our way to riches!
2. I went to see the fertility doctor again today, and I am starting a new course of medicine. The doctor presented the plan, and Chris said, "Question: Will it make our babies superheroes?" The doctor dead panned back: "Yes. If you're the parents."
3. We are going to Boston next week!
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Not working.
It's been about a hot minute since I posted here. It's been a busy few weeks, with surprise visits from out-of-town friends, a cold that knocked me on my ass for a few days, and ... oh YEAH writing and doll making in every spare second I have to make a coupla bucks. I'm a hustla baby... but that you knew.
Surprisingly, I have managed to remain complaint-free in my blogging absence. I haven't suddenly turned bright sider in the last 10 days -- I've just managed to keep my mouth shut about the nagging annoyances and everyday mini-dramas that normally get me going. (For example, I have managed to NOT tell everyone I know the story of the epic showdown between myself and the snarky grocery store cashier last weekend. I'm beginning to think I'm some kind of enfant terrible of the grocery store world -- it always seems to be where I run into trouble.)
Despite my success in limiting my complaints, there hasn't been a corresponding positive surge in my overall outlook. No warm fuzzies live here. In fact, the opposite has been true. My outlook is about as bad as it ever has been. And I've begun to question the wisdom of my endeavor. I know, I know: I'm like the person who stops eating carbs for two days and gets pissed when I haven't lost five pounds already then binges on cupcakes because it's just no use. (No, no reason why I picked that example. Carry on.) A few people have expressed doubts about the usefulness of limiting complaints, and I'm beginning to feel like I should join their ranks. (OK, RETURN to their ranks...) The general rule of thought is that limiting complaining is akin to limiting your feelings, which only leads to internalizing them and creating more problems for yourself. Or that complaining is really only a manifestation of underlying unhappiness about other aspects of your life. I generally agree with both arguments. But I also think that there is some value in limiting the manifestation of negative thoughts in order to create more positivity.
What are your thoughts? Do you think trying to cut out complaining is a worthwhile effort? Why or why not?
1. I managed to NOT eat Arby's on the way home from the gym tonight!
2. I actually WENT to the gym tonight!
3. It was a beautiful, sunny day out today. And it's still February.
Surprisingly, I have managed to remain complaint-free in my blogging absence. I haven't suddenly turned bright sider in the last 10 days -- I've just managed to keep my mouth shut about the nagging annoyances and everyday mini-dramas that normally get me going. (For example, I have managed to NOT tell everyone I know the story of the epic showdown between myself and the snarky grocery store cashier last weekend. I'm beginning to think I'm some kind of enfant terrible of the grocery store world -- it always seems to be where I run into trouble.)
Despite my success in limiting my complaints, there hasn't been a corresponding positive surge in my overall outlook. No warm fuzzies live here. In fact, the opposite has been true. My outlook is about as bad as it ever has been. And I've begun to question the wisdom of my endeavor. I know, I know: I'm like the person who stops eating carbs for two days and gets pissed when I haven't lost five pounds already then binges on cupcakes because it's just no use. (No, no reason why I picked that example. Carry on.) A few people have expressed doubts about the usefulness of limiting complaints, and I'm beginning to feel like I should join their ranks. (OK, RETURN to their ranks...) The general rule of thought is that limiting complaining is akin to limiting your feelings, which only leads to internalizing them and creating more problems for yourself. Or that complaining is really only a manifestation of underlying unhappiness about other aspects of your life. I generally agree with both arguments. But I also think that there is some value in limiting the manifestation of negative thoughts in order to create more positivity.
What are your thoughts? Do you think trying to cut out complaining is a worthwhile effort? Why or why not?
1. I managed to NOT eat Arby's on the way home from the gym tonight!
2. I actually WENT to the gym tonight!
3. It was a beautiful, sunny day out today. And it's still February.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Living for today...
Tonight, I attended a workshop at Duke Integrative Medicine called "An Evening of Mindfulness" with Dr. Jeffrey Brantley. The Duke Integrative Medicine Center is a mecca for hippies and other new-age types -- offering acupuncture, massage, yoga, meditation and other feel-good services. And underneath my cranky exterior, general misanthropy and on-again, off-again flirtations of becoming a lawyer or some other corporate type, I really am a big hippie at heart. I'm happy in a flowy patchwork skirt and a ring of tiny bells around my ankle. And I once had an intense black-light phase.
All that is to say that I could live at Duke Integrative Medicine and be very happy. I was first introduced to their services when my friend Jen bought me a "half-day experience" there after I had the miscarriage in October. I went for yoga, lunch, acupuncture (in which the acupuncturist unwittingly doubled as my therapist for the next hour) and some peaceful alone time (which they specifically cater to by offering several "reflecting" rooms, usually populated by trickling streams and rock formations).
Tonight, I attended the free workshop, which promised to offer tips for mindfulness to help reduce stress and anxiety. The center offers a more comprehensive, eight-week course on Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), and the workshop was a bit of a sales pitch to take the (very expensive) course. However, I did find the workshop to be very interesting, and it offered some valuable insights.
The premise behind the method is that you learn to focus on the present moment by focusing on your breathing or sounds around you, and you learn to let go of the nagging thoughts that can create anxiety. That includes the constant negative self-talk -- the inner critic. You learn to focus on the present instead of constantly rehashing events from the past or worrying about what might happen in the future. And once you're able to live more fully in the present, and learn to accept things as they are without judgment and criticism, you'll be better able to accept yourself and become less critical of those around you. And you'll be better able to control your reactions to situations.
This speaks to me. My inner critic is always at 11. And my mind is always racing. I am always thinking about not only what I have to do now, in the next few minutes, but what I have to do after that and then what I have to do after that and then what I have to do after that. And all the while, I'm still thinking about what I'm going to get accomplished over the weekend, by the end of the week, by the end of the month, by the end of the year, by the time I'm 35, by the time I'm 50, by the time I'm 80 and so on and so on. I am always questioning, always evaluating the ends and means of my days. Is this time well spent? Even if this is something I'd rather not be doing now, is it something that will add value to my life later? It's exhausting. But establishing that control is the only way I know to actually feel better in some ways about my life. It's an endless loop.
I'm also hesitant when it comes to meditation and other "mind control." I want something that will help NOW. Closing my eyes and listening to my breath doesn't calm me down so much as it puts me to sleep. It's like my body's way of rebelling. If I try to drag my mind kicking and screaming into the happy zone, it's like, "Nah. Peace."
Just as I was starting to warm up to the speaker and was starting to think, "Well, maybe I do feel a bit lighter after those two minutes of stillness..." he started asking the audience questions about how they deal with stress and what affect it has on their bodies, and I heard a familiar shrill voice ring out from the crowd. Old and creaky and laced with saccharine and hypocrisy. It's a voice that I heard whine to me every day about everyone who misunderstood her and just made her life so miserable when I was working as a temp a little over a year ago. It was the voice that made me wonder, "Shit, what am I going to do if they offer me the job?? I CAN'T listen to this every day." Sherry (not her real name) came into the office (the one that only she and I shared -- extra cozy comfort time) and complained to me about our boss, about all the co-workers who were out to get her, about her landlady who was so unfair because she wanted to charge her for breaking the lease early, about her son who never called, and about anything and everything that reminded her about how aggrieved she was. And when she wasn't complaining, she was always trying to convince me about how smart and cultured she was, telling me stories about great jobs she had had, or obscure books she had read. I hated her. The only way I had to cope with her was to literally not look at her when she spoke (hoping that keeping my back to her and typing away would make her think I was too busy to talk -- it didn't) and to respond to the things she said with things like "hmmm" or "mm--mm--mmo" (a mumbled "I dunno") or the occasional "huh."
Sherry was the perfect example of what constant complaining does to a person -- and everyone around that person.
I heard her voice and whipped around in shock. I wanted to jump out of my chair, point at her, and scream "Imposter! She's a dirty, lying hypocrite! Don't listen to her! Don't empathize with her! And, what more, she has robbed me of my moment of mindfulness!"
Alas, my brief mindfulness training kept me from doing so, and I was able to keep my attention on the lecture -- being mindful not to ever shift my gaze to the right and inadvertently make eye contact, and being careful to get up as soon as the lecture was over and leave without looking back.
I was able to slip out without making contact -- and I managed to buy one of the presenter's books while doing so. Maybe there is something to this mindfulness after all....
1. I heard a very inspiring lecture over the weekend that made me feel like great things are possible.
2. I got to spend time with some very good friends over the weekend.
3. Cookies and burritos -- no matter what they do to the waist line, they are good for the soul.
All that is to say that I could live at Duke Integrative Medicine and be very happy. I was first introduced to their services when my friend Jen bought me a "half-day experience" there after I had the miscarriage in October. I went for yoga, lunch, acupuncture (in which the acupuncturist unwittingly doubled as my therapist for the next hour) and some peaceful alone time (which they specifically cater to by offering several "reflecting" rooms, usually populated by trickling streams and rock formations).
Tonight, I attended the free workshop, which promised to offer tips for mindfulness to help reduce stress and anxiety. The center offers a more comprehensive, eight-week course on Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), and the workshop was a bit of a sales pitch to take the (very expensive) course. However, I did find the workshop to be very interesting, and it offered some valuable insights.
The premise behind the method is that you learn to focus on the present moment by focusing on your breathing or sounds around you, and you learn to let go of the nagging thoughts that can create anxiety. That includes the constant negative self-talk -- the inner critic. You learn to focus on the present instead of constantly rehashing events from the past or worrying about what might happen in the future. And once you're able to live more fully in the present, and learn to accept things as they are without judgment and criticism, you'll be better able to accept yourself and become less critical of those around you. And you'll be better able to control your reactions to situations.
This speaks to me. My inner critic is always at 11. And my mind is always racing. I am always thinking about not only what I have to do now, in the next few minutes, but what I have to do after that and then what I have to do after that and then what I have to do after that. And all the while, I'm still thinking about what I'm going to get accomplished over the weekend, by the end of the week, by the end of the month, by the end of the year, by the time I'm 35, by the time I'm 50, by the time I'm 80 and so on and so on. I am always questioning, always evaluating the ends and means of my days. Is this time well spent? Even if this is something I'd rather not be doing now, is it something that will add value to my life later? It's exhausting. But establishing that control is the only way I know to actually feel better in some ways about my life. It's an endless loop.
I'm also hesitant when it comes to meditation and other "mind control." I want something that will help NOW. Closing my eyes and listening to my breath doesn't calm me down so much as it puts me to sleep. It's like my body's way of rebelling. If I try to drag my mind kicking and screaming into the happy zone, it's like, "Nah. Peace."
Just as I was starting to warm up to the speaker and was starting to think, "Well, maybe I do feel a bit lighter after those two minutes of stillness..." he started asking the audience questions about how they deal with stress and what affect it has on their bodies, and I heard a familiar shrill voice ring out from the crowd. Old and creaky and laced with saccharine and hypocrisy. It's a voice that I heard whine to me every day about everyone who misunderstood her and just made her life so miserable when I was working as a temp a little over a year ago. It was the voice that made me wonder, "Shit, what am I going to do if they offer me the job?? I CAN'T listen to this every day." Sherry (not her real name) came into the office (the one that only she and I shared -- extra cozy comfort time) and complained to me about our boss, about all the co-workers who were out to get her, about her landlady who was so unfair because she wanted to charge her for breaking the lease early, about her son who never called, and about anything and everything that reminded her about how aggrieved she was. And when she wasn't complaining, she was always trying to convince me about how smart and cultured she was, telling me stories about great jobs she had had, or obscure books she had read. I hated her. The only way I had to cope with her was to literally not look at her when she spoke (hoping that keeping my back to her and typing away would make her think I was too busy to talk -- it didn't) and to respond to the things she said with things like "hmmm" or "mm--mm--mmo" (a mumbled "I dunno") or the occasional "huh."
Sherry was the perfect example of what constant complaining does to a person -- and everyone around that person.
I heard her voice and whipped around in shock. I wanted to jump out of my chair, point at her, and scream "Imposter! She's a dirty, lying hypocrite! Don't listen to her! Don't empathize with her! And, what more, she has robbed me of my moment of mindfulness!"
Alas, my brief mindfulness training kept me from doing so, and I was able to keep my attention on the lecture -- being mindful not to ever shift my gaze to the right and inadvertently make eye contact, and being careful to get up as soon as the lecture was over and leave without looking back.
I was able to slip out without making contact -- and I managed to buy one of the presenter's books while doing so. Maybe there is something to this mindfulness after all....
1. I heard a very inspiring lecture over the weekend that made me feel like great things are possible.
2. I got to spend time with some very good friends over the weekend.
3. Cookies and burritos -- no matter what they do to the waist line, they are good for the soul.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Fuck happy.
Who among you knows where that's from? If you do, then you're my people.
After a few swimming days of sunshine and roses, it all came crashing down. It seems like pesky people are going to keep ruining my road to recovery and sending me running right back to that limitless bottle of cynicism and snark. I'll admit: I do still carry a flask wherever I go.
Work. Since I'd like to keep my job, I'll leave it at that. That's all most of us ever really need to say, isn't it?
Unlike my 9 to 5 bread and butter, which will be off limits here, I will talk a whole bunch of shit about the freelance projects that have been making me question just how much I will put up with to make a buck.
Like I mentioned before, I lost my steady blogging-for-hire work. It sucked, and I hated it, but it was a nice side income. Since then, I have picked up some other writing work that pays considerably less. But it's still enough to bring in a little extra and help out. Except there's this: The guy I work with is a micromanaging incompetent ass with no sense of tone in e-mail (or a flagrant disregard for it).
I got an e-mail from him Saturday night -- Saturday night -- asking me how many posts he could send me to have done by Sunday night. Um, NONE. I do have a fucking life, thank you very much, and I'm not a blog-post-producing-24-hour-at-your-whim-writing-machine, and my friend is in town, and, oh yeah, I might actually just want to fuck off and do nothing. (OK, I NEVER do this, but what does he know?)
Today, I send him a couple of more posts. He writes me back and says to resend them and copy "James." James? Who the fuck is James? I don't know James, and I sure as hell don't know his e-mail. I say that. Instead of forwarding my posts to James, he e-mails me back with Jame's e-mail. Apparently, that forward would have taken longer than than the time it took him to reply. So I forward my e-mail and posts to James. Then he writes me back and says can I RESEND the posts again in a separate e-mail each to both him AND James.
In fact, EVERY TIME I send him a post, he e-mails me back and tells me to resubmit it over some formatting or submission issue that he did not make me aware of the first time around.
My impulse is to reply with a "Fuck you, you don't pay me enough to make your anal-retentive bullshit worth my time." Alas, I am trying to be more cool-headed these days.
Or maybe I'm just cranky because I've eaten not much more than pizza and cookies these last few days, haven't had much exercise, and haven't slept my usual 12 hours a day over the weekend. (Oh how far I've fallen....Half marathon shape: I hardly know ye any more.)
I have been on a complaint-a-thon the past few days. I guess the upshot is that I've been more aware of how much complaining I'm doing. Most of the time I announce it: Like when I walked into the adjacent office on Friday and said, "OK, I'm here to bitch." Before you can change your behavior, you have to have an understanding of it. And I'm becoming more conscious of how much I complain and why I do it.
However, I've had a lot of discussions with people lately about whether it's a good idea to cut out complaining. A friend and I talked about it just this week, and I got an e-mail earlier tonight. The argument is that you shouldn't suppress what you're thinking or feeling -- even if it's negative. Where do you draw the line between justified complaining (airing your grievances, your disappointments, your hurt feelings, etc.) and just dwelling on petty negativity? What are your thoughts, readers? Let me hear what you think!
After a few swimming days of sunshine and roses, it all came crashing down. It seems like pesky people are going to keep ruining my road to recovery and sending me running right back to that limitless bottle of cynicism and snark. I'll admit: I do still carry a flask wherever I go.
Work. Since I'd like to keep my job, I'll leave it at that. That's all most of us ever really need to say, isn't it?
Unlike my 9 to 5 bread and butter, which will be off limits here, I will talk a whole bunch of shit about the freelance projects that have been making me question just how much I will put up with to make a buck.
Like I mentioned before, I lost my steady blogging-for-hire work. It sucked, and I hated it, but it was a nice side income. Since then, I have picked up some other writing work that pays considerably less. But it's still enough to bring in a little extra and help out. Except there's this: The guy I work with is a micromanaging incompetent ass with no sense of tone in e-mail (or a flagrant disregard for it).
I got an e-mail from him Saturday night -- Saturday night -- asking me how many posts he could send me to have done by Sunday night. Um, NONE. I do have a fucking life, thank you very much, and I'm not a blog-post-producing-24-hour-at-your-whim-writing-machine, and my friend is in town, and, oh yeah, I might actually just want to fuck off and do nothing. (OK, I NEVER do this, but what does he know?)
Today, I send him a couple of more posts. He writes me back and says to resend them and copy "James." James? Who the fuck is James? I don't know James, and I sure as hell don't know his e-mail. I say that. Instead of forwarding my posts to James, he e-mails me back with Jame's e-mail. Apparently, that forward would have taken longer than than the time it took him to reply. So I forward my e-mail and posts to James. Then he writes me back and says can I RESEND the posts again in a separate e-mail each to both him AND James.
In fact, EVERY TIME I send him a post, he e-mails me back and tells me to resubmit it over some formatting or submission issue that he did not make me aware of the first time around.
My impulse is to reply with a "Fuck you, you don't pay me enough to make your anal-retentive bullshit worth my time." Alas, I am trying to be more cool-headed these days.
Or maybe I'm just cranky because I've eaten not much more than pizza and cookies these last few days, haven't had much exercise, and haven't slept my usual 12 hours a day over the weekend. (Oh how far I've fallen....Half marathon shape: I hardly know ye any more.)
I have been on a complaint-a-thon the past few days. I guess the upshot is that I've been more aware of how much complaining I'm doing. Most of the time I announce it: Like when I walked into the adjacent office on Friday and said, "OK, I'm here to bitch." Before you can change your behavior, you have to have an understanding of it. And I'm becoming more conscious of how much I complain and why I do it.
However, I've had a lot of discussions with people lately about whether it's a good idea to cut out complaining. A friend and I talked about it just this week, and I got an e-mail earlier tonight. The argument is that you shouldn't suppress what you're thinking or feeling -- even if it's negative. Where do you draw the line between justified complaining (airing your grievances, your disappointments, your hurt feelings, etc.) and just dwelling on petty negativity? What are your thoughts, readers? Let me hear what you think!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
No Worry Wednesdays: Some more inspiration for your week
Because everyone loves a lolcat.
If you need a little more inspiration for your week, check out these videos.
Not sure that Pulp Fiction speech counts as "inspiring," but here you go:
And some things to remember.... (sorry for the terrible sound quality)
OR remember these quotes:
The fact is, that to do anything in the world worth doing, we must not stand back shivering and thinking of the cold and danger, but jump in and scramble through as well as we can. -- Robert Cushing
Insist on yourself. Never imitate. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The happiness of life is made up of minute fractions—the little soon-forgotten charities of a kiss, a smile, a kind look, a heartfelt compliment in the disguise of a playful raillery, and the countless other infinitessimals of pleasurable thought and genial feeling. -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, It is the only thing that ever has. -- Margaret Mead
Continuing the discussion from my last post: What would you be doing if you could do anything, without regard for finances, family, or any other circumstance? What's holding you back? Let me hear from you in the comments!
Sunday, February 6, 2011
This is your life, and it is ticking away, one second at a time.
When things seem to be at their worst, I learn that I'm wrong. They get worse.
It's been seven weeks now since Chris has been out of work, and I have been doing a lot of freelance writing to fill the gap. I've been working every day, for most hours of the day. The closest I come to relaxation time is watching a movie while I work on some craft project that I'll be listing for sale. It's been doing wonders for my stress level. (The combination of intense stress and no money has led to a complete abandonment of baby making planning.)
This week, I lost my freelance blogging work. To put this into perspective: I made about $1,200 give or take every month with this work. That's gone.
I spent about a day feeling completely desperate -- just on the verge of tears all day. But two things happened: 1)I immediately kicked into survivalist mode and starting hatching plans for how to overcome this situation; and 2)I met my good friend for dinner, and she has a great way of putting things into perspective.
For some time now, I have been thinking about what I want to do in life. I was accepted to a great law school, and I deferred to start in the fall. But I've gone back and forth over whether I really want to go. I'm passionate about social justice work, but I'm not passionate about the idea of working 60 to 80 hours a week for only a slight salary increase (assuming that I'm working in public interest...). At the same time, I've been thinking about moving back overseas and teaching. But the idea of teaching doesn't appeal to me; traveling does. So I've been thinking of ways to work abroad again without teaching. I've been reading a lot of blogs written by people who just got tired of working 9-5 and dealing with the grind, and they decided to travel the world. And that's just what they do now. Some of them blog for money, but most of them simply work or volunteer in exchange for lodging. They do odd jobs along the way to pay for their food and other small expenses. That idea is so appealing to me.
I have spent far too long working every hour of my waking day on jobs and projects that are a means to an end -- but don't really inspire me or make me happy. And I just thought: "Well, that's life." Of course, we have to do things we don't want to do. We have to work jobs we don't want to work sometimes. We have to finish that project instead of lounging on the beach. We have to eat our vegetables for dinner, not ice cream. But I've been thinking more lately: Do we have to?
When I cut through all the qualifying and "well, if this, then that" scenarios and made myself answer the question "What would I be doing if I could do anything -- without regard to money, or circumstance, or any other consideration?" this was the answer: I'd be traveling, and I'd be writing.
Answering that question clearly and without equivocation has made me realize that I need to stop entertaining "what if" scenarios and start finding a way to get to the place where I can do those things. Thinking of these things as something that I'll do "one day" or when 'X' happens means that they will never happen. And I am not the type to take a passive role in my own life.
When I thought about what I was doing for my blogging job, I realized that I was doing everything -- writing, promoting, providing graphics -- except making the profits. That changes now. I will be creating several new blogs and Web sites designed to make a profit. And once they are successful enough to bring in a consistent income, I will be making my plans to travel. Chris' degree program is online, which means that he can do it anywhere, and since he's an artist, he can also do freelance work.
I will also be writing a book -- or two. I plan to write a memoir, and I have two solid ideas for novels. This will be my new focus.
I've spent too much time spending half my energy on projects that I care about -- meaning that they've fallen flat or fallen apart without being given enough effort, and meaning that I've wasted too much of my energy on things that don't bring me any happiness.
After I made these decisions, my week was actually quite good. I was hopeful and excited. I had an overwhelming sense that things would not only work out, but that they would eventually be great. And my complaints just naturally fell away. I'm not sure if this blog has helped me to have a more positive attitude, or it has made me think more proactively about my attitude and my approach, but either way, I am feeling more optimistic and empowered. And that's a win no matter how I got there.
Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
Please don't, please don't, please don't
There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short....
It's been seven weeks now since Chris has been out of work, and I have been doing a lot of freelance writing to fill the gap. I've been working every day, for most hours of the day. The closest I come to relaxation time is watching a movie while I work on some craft project that I'll be listing for sale. It's been doing wonders for my stress level. (The combination of intense stress and no money has led to a complete abandonment of baby making planning.)
This week, I lost my freelance blogging work. To put this into perspective: I made about $1,200 give or take every month with this work. That's gone.
I spent about a day feeling completely desperate -- just on the verge of tears all day. But two things happened: 1)I immediately kicked into survivalist mode and starting hatching plans for how to overcome this situation; and 2)I met my good friend for dinner, and she has a great way of putting things into perspective.
For some time now, I have been thinking about what I want to do in life. I was accepted to a great law school, and I deferred to start in the fall. But I've gone back and forth over whether I really want to go. I'm passionate about social justice work, but I'm not passionate about the idea of working 60 to 80 hours a week for only a slight salary increase (assuming that I'm working in public interest...). At the same time, I've been thinking about moving back overseas and teaching. But the idea of teaching doesn't appeal to me; traveling does. So I've been thinking of ways to work abroad again without teaching. I've been reading a lot of blogs written by people who just got tired of working 9-5 and dealing with the grind, and they decided to travel the world. And that's just what they do now. Some of them blog for money, but most of them simply work or volunteer in exchange for lodging. They do odd jobs along the way to pay for their food and other small expenses. That idea is so appealing to me.
I have spent far too long working every hour of my waking day on jobs and projects that are a means to an end -- but don't really inspire me or make me happy. And I just thought: "Well, that's life." Of course, we have to do things we don't want to do. We have to work jobs we don't want to work sometimes. We have to finish that project instead of lounging on the beach. We have to eat our vegetables for dinner, not ice cream. But I've been thinking more lately: Do we have to?
When I cut through all the qualifying and "well, if this, then that" scenarios and made myself answer the question "What would I be doing if I could do anything -- without regard to money, or circumstance, or any other consideration?" this was the answer: I'd be traveling, and I'd be writing.
Answering that question clearly and without equivocation has made me realize that I need to stop entertaining "what if" scenarios and start finding a way to get to the place where I can do those things. Thinking of these things as something that I'll do "one day" or when 'X' happens means that they will never happen. And I am not the type to take a passive role in my own life.
When I thought about what I was doing for my blogging job, I realized that I was doing everything -- writing, promoting, providing graphics -- except making the profits. That changes now. I will be creating several new blogs and Web sites designed to make a profit. And once they are successful enough to bring in a consistent income, I will be making my plans to travel. Chris' degree program is online, which means that he can do it anywhere, and since he's an artist, he can also do freelance work.
I will also be writing a book -- or two. I plan to write a memoir, and I have two solid ideas for novels. This will be my new focus.
I've spent too much time spending half my energy on projects that I care about -- meaning that they've fallen flat or fallen apart without being given enough effort, and meaning that I've wasted too much of my energy on things that don't bring me any happiness.
After I made these decisions, my week was actually quite good. I was hopeful and excited. I had an overwhelming sense that things would not only work out, but that they would eventually be great. And my complaints just naturally fell away. I'm not sure if this blog has helped me to have a more positive attitude, or it has made me think more proactively about my attitude and my approach, but either way, I am feeling more optimistic and empowered. And that's a win no matter how I got there.
Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
Please don't, please don't, please don't
There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short....
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Reasons to be happy I'm NOT pregnant
I didn't include "3 Happy Things" in my last post because I was a ball of bitterness. Keeping in mind the spirit of this blog, I put together a list of reasons to be happy that I'm NOT pregnant. And then 10 more reasons to be happy I'm not yet a parent....
10 Reasons to Be Happy I'm NOT Pregnant
1. Fashion is still an option for me. I can put on a dress without looking like pork squeezed in sausage casing. Better still, I can still wear things like this:
2. What most women look forward to in pregnancy, I got in puberty. My breasts are this size WITHOUT being achy and full of milk and giving my husband an Oedipal complex.
3. Breakfast tastes better going down than coming up.
4. Southern Comfort? Yes, please.
5. If I go on about my problems with gas and indigestion, people still treat me like I'm disgusting. Which they should.
6. Strangers don't put their hands on my body when I'm in public -- at least not without getting the hammer. (Likely the policy even when I AM pregnant.)
7. The skin on my stomach is still as smooth as porcelain. No stretch marks.
8. Running is still an option.
9. Leaving on a jet plane -- not a problem.
10. I'm not a fucking crazy person.
10 Reasons to Be Happy I DON'T Have a Baby
1. I can sleep more than a few hours at a time. Hell, I can sleep until NOON on the weekends if I want to (which I usually do).
2. I can eat ice cream for dinner, and I don't have to justify it to anyone.
3. After a long and stressful day, silence is golden.
4. My conversations revolve around politics and religion and pop culture -- not poopies and crayons.
5. I don't have to talk in code. (Though my husband just pointed out to me that we can't say the "t" word or the "c" word -- "treat" and "car" for those without dogs.)
6. The picture on my Facebook profile actually features me.
7. "Date night" is whenever I want it to be. I don't have to schedule my free time. In fact, I don't have to make a "date night." Every night is date night.
8. The whole house is my bedroom. I can have sex whenever I want to, wherever I want to.
9. I don't have to trade Desperate Housewives for Spongebob.
10. Strangers don't get to judge me because my kid throws down in the middle of Wal-Mart and starts screaming his head off. If they don't like something I do, I tell them to fuck off and go about my day.
10 Reasons to Be Happy I'm NOT Pregnant
1. Fashion is still an option for me. I can put on a dress without looking like pork squeezed in sausage casing. Better still, I can still wear things like this:
2. What most women look forward to in pregnancy, I got in puberty. My breasts are this size WITHOUT being achy and full of milk and giving my husband an Oedipal complex.
3. Breakfast tastes better going down than coming up.
4. Southern Comfort? Yes, please.
5. If I go on about my problems with gas and indigestion, people still treat me like I'm disgusting. Which they should.
6. Strangers don't put their hands on my body when I'm in public -- at least not without getting the hammer. (Likely the policy even when I AM pregnant.)
7. The skin on my stomach is still as smooth as porcelain. No stretch marks.
8. Running is still an option.
9. Leaving on a jet plane -- not a problem.
10. I'm not a fucking crazy person.
10 Reasons to Be Happy I DON'T Have a Baby
1. I can sleep more than a few hours at a time. Hell, I can sleep until NOON on the weekends if I want to (which I usually do).
2. I can eat ice cream for dinner, and I don't have to justify it to anyone.
3. After a long and stressful day, silence is golden.
4. My conversations revolve around politics and religion and pop culture -- not poopies and crayons.
5. I don't have to talk in code. (Though my husband just pointed out to me that we can't say the "t" word or the "c" word -- "treat" and "car" for those without dogs.)
6. The picture on my Facebook profile actually features me.
7. "Date night" is whenever I want it to be. I don't have to schedule my free time. In fact, I don't have to make a "date night." Every night is date night.
8. The whole house is my bedroom. I can have sex whenever I want to, wherever I want to.
9. I don't have to trade Desperate Housewives for Spongebob.
10. Strangers don't get to judge me because my kid throws down in the middle of Wal-Mart and starts screaming his head off. If they don't like something I do, I tell them to fuck off and go about my day.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
My friends all drive Porsches, I must make amends.
I'm not sure when it happened. And I don't like that it has. But the inescapable truth is that somewhere along the way over the last three years, I have become someone who
I am 32 years old. I have been married for (nearly) 7 years. I don't have any children. I still rent an apartment. I don't have any savings. I have some professional experience, but I work in an entry-level position. My life has been full of accomplishments, but none of them translate to awards or pay increases, and I'd have to tell you long, heady, draining stories to understand them.
I haven't thought much of any of that beyond wondering how to make it to the next step, or wondering what I want the next step to be, or -- frankly -- figuring out how I can become independently wealthy so I can say "fuck you" to the whole system and live on a beach in France. And I have thought even less of what other people think of my tendency to sit silently in the crowd, or to ask blunt questions, or to say "fuck" as often as pops into my head to do so.
Yet, there has been this creeping awareness that gives me insight into how others perceive these things about me. And I start to wonder about where I "should" be at this point in my life, and how I "should" try to relate to people to build valuable relationships, and how I "should" be spending my money and my time. Whether I gauge the answers to those questions by the scale of someone else's opinion or my own, the fact that I even consider them enrages me. It's this kind of thinking that fuels my discontent -- and my constant complaints.
Of course, I do sometimes measure my life against another because I am missing something I really do want. My husband and I spent the afternoon at the birthday party of a friend's 1-year-old. The place was full of babies and toddlers. We were one of only two childless couples there. After just a few minutes, I started to feel like the bitter single woman who got dumped on Valentine's Day and wants to tell anyone who will listen what a sham love is and how monogamy's not possible.
I knew what I was in for when we went. I know how hard it is for me to be around couples with children -- especially babies. But no matter how ready I am, and how much I try to put on a happy face, it never fails to produce the same reaction. The tears started falling almost as soon as we got in the car.
It didn't help that we spent the previous afternoon with my husband's brother and his wife -- who's expecting to have a baby in about three months. (We both got pregnant around the same time.) And it doesn't help that every time I talk to a friend I haven't seen in a while, I get news that she's pregnant. Or that every time I log onto Facebook, someone else I know is pregnant, or celebrating the birth of her child, or -- DAMN IT -- pregnant AGAIN.
I don't begrudge these women their happiness. They deserve it. But it's hard to feel that happiness for them when I look at their lives and see reflected everything that I am trying to accomplish. Something that is so simple that people do it by accident. Something that is a natural part of nearly every woman's life. And despite everything else I know about myself, and all that is wonderful and unique about my life, I feel like a failure because of it.
I know, I know: It will all work out. I should stay positive and optimistic. There are many ways to make a family.
In the mean time, I'm going to be as upset as I'd like to be over life's bitter disappointments, and I'm going to get back to who I am and stop trying to dress it up in pretty social niceties that make it more palatable for other people.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Just do it.
I was driving home from the gym tonight, and the John Tesh show came on the radio. "Intelligence for Your Life," you know. The schtick of this show is that Tesh presents short tidbits about various subjects in the vein of "Did you know....?" The segment I heard tonight was about negative thinking and stress. He actually said the following: "People who are cynical feel more stress. They're more suspicious, and they're mistrustful of others." He noted that negative thinking creates stress, which leads to higher blood pressure and depression. He also noted that negative people have fewer friends, which also leads to depression. The bit was followed -- appropriately -- by "Walking on Sunshine."
I was in the car by myself, and I laughed long and hard as I listened. "Yes! Yes, that's it! Just think positively! Just do it! Unless you want to die early a miserable and friendless reject, then you better get your mind right, and you better do it now."
Well, that was enough for me. Today is a whole new day. I will never be distrustful of another person. I will cast out all doubts and wield a mental machete against any creeping sarcasm, cynicism, or passivity.
I'm a driver; I'm a winner. Things are gonna change, I can feel it.
1. I love singing*, and I do it often. I sang the shit out of "Walking on Sunshine."
2. The word "busking." I'm a huge word nerd, and some words just tickle the shit out of me. That's one of them.
3. I've lost four pounds. Supermodelsuperstardom here I come!!
*Endorsement of singing does not imply quality of said singing.
I was in the car by myself, and I laughed long and hard as I listened. "Yes! Yes, that's it! Just think positively! Just do it! Unless you want to die early a miserable and friendless reject, then you better get your mind right, and you better do it now."
Well, that was enough for me. Today is a whole new day. I will never be distrustful of another person. I will cast out all doubts and wield a mental machete against any creeping sarcasm, cynicism, or passivity.
I'm a driver; I'm a winner. Things are gonna change, I can feel it.
1. I love singing*, and I do it often. I sang the shit out of "Walking on Sunshine."
2. The word "busking." I'm a huge word nerd, and some words just tickle the shit out of me. That's one of them.
3. I've lost four pounds. Supermodelsuperstardom here I come!!
*Endorsement of singing does not imply quality of said singing.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Making progress.
Just before I began this entry, I sat at my computer and calmly turned to my husband and burst out with "Somebody call 9-1-1."
He looked right at me, half-smiled, and said "Why?" and gave me that "Bring it on" look.
Without hesitation, I stared back at him and let out," Shawty fire burning on the dance floor. Whoa-oh-oh!" I then stood up and danced my way out of the room. Who did he think he was challenging?
The last couple of days have been complaint-free! And I can attribute that to more scenes like the one I just described.
My husband is the only person with whom I can unequivocally be myself. I have best friends that are like family, but even around them, there are times that I feel like I have to "perform" in some way, or meet expectations. Or have to be careful about what I expose, knowing the reactions that will be provoked. It's not as if Chris never puts pressure on me to behave in a certain way, or that he accepts everything I do or never has criticism. But I can be brutally honest with him. And there is great comfort in being able to say exactly what I'm thinking all the time. I can be as goofy as I want to be, as sullen as I want to be, as sappy as I want to be.
Of course, my husband can also be a primary source of my complaints. It's those relationships that can produce and tolerate the full spectrum of emotion that are made to last. Otherwise, you're never scratching the surface.
Spending the last two days exclusively in the company of my husband has had a calming effect. There is no need to meet social expectation. No need to disguise my emotion. No need to pretend to be interested when I'm not. No need to pretend to be excited when I'm not. I can just be and feel exactly as I am at the moment.
Of course, I live in the world. If I'm going to manage to quiet the complaints, I'm going to have to find ways to calm myself amid the storm of hypocrisy and illusion that social interaction creates. I've already spent time limiting interaction with those that bring little benefit to my life. (And I've unintentionally limited interaction with those that do...) And I work to remind myself when people frustrate and annoy me that they have a limited role in my life, and that their actions have little effect on what I do outside of the moment. It has helped. Though I have had to take a few "time outs" and say, "OK, I have to complain to you about this, otherwise I'm going to [have to cuss this person -or- reply to this person's e-mail and get myself fired -or- ____________]. Once I've acknowledged that I'm complaining, and I've gotten it out once, I usually let it go. In the past, I likely would have rehashed the scenario over and over with several friends and innocent bystanders who only wanted to hear "fine" in response to "How are you?"
Baby steps.
1. I really ran for the first time in months today. I mean that I didn't just run, but that I went in with a plan and ran hard for a long (er, longer) time. It was more difficult than it should be, but I felt better than I have in awhile about exercise.
2. I finished a lot of writing projects this week. For pay. I was really productive this week, and it didn't feel like a monumental effort to complete the work.
3. I slept for about 12 hours yesterday.
He looked right at me, half-smiled, and said "Why?" and gave me that "Bring it on" look.
Without hesitation, I stared back at him and let out," Shawty fire burning on the dance floor. Whoa-oh-oh!" I then stood up and danced my way out of the room. Who did he think he was challenging?
The last couple of days have been complaint-free! And I can attribute that to more scenes like the one I just described.
My husband is the only person with whom I can unequivocally be myself. I have best friends that are like family, but even around them, there are times that I feel like I have to "perform" in some way, or meet expectations. Or have to be careful about what I expose, knowing the reactions that will be provoked. It's not as if Chris never puts pressure on me to behave in a certain way, or that he accepts everything I do or never has criticism. But I can be brutally honest with him. And there is great comfort in being able to say exactly what I'm thinking all the time. I can be as goofy as I want to be, as sullen as I want to be, as sappy as I want to be.
Of course, my husband can also be a primary source of my complaints. It's those relationships that can produce and tolerate the full spectrum of emotion that are made to last. Otherwise, you're never scratching the surface.
Spending the last two days exclusively in the company of my husband has had a calming effect. There is no need to meet social expectation. No need to disguise my emotion. No need to pretend to be interested when I'm not. No need to pretend to be excited when I'm not. I can just be and feel exactly as I am at the moment.
Of course, I live in the world. If I'm going to manage to quiet the complaints, I'm going to have to find ways to calm myself amid the storm of hypocrisy and illusion that social interaction creates. I've already spent time limiting interaction with those that bring little benefit to my life. (And I've unintentionally limited interaction with those that do...) And I work to remind myself when people frustrate and annoy me that they have a limited role in my life, and that their actions have little effect on what I do outside of the moment. It has helped. Though I have had to take a few "time outs" and say, "OK, I have to complain to you about this, otherwise I'm going to [have to cuss this person -or- reply to this person's e-mail and get myself fired -or- ____________]. Once I've acknowledged that I'm complaining, and I've gotten it out once, I usually let it go. In the past, I likely would have rehashed the scenario over and over with several friends and innocent bystanders who only wanted to hear "fine" in response to "How are you?"
Baby steps.
1. I really ran for the first time in months today. I mean that I didn't just run, but that I went in with a plan and ran hard for a long (er, longer) time. It was more difficult than it should be, but I felt better than I have in awhile about exercise.
2. I finished a lot of writing projects this week. For pay. I was really productive this week, and it didn't feel like a monumental effort to complete the work.
3. I slept for about 12 hours yesterday.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
New strategy
It seems that I have adopted the policy "If you can't say anything nice..." My week has been less cluttered by complaints, but I'm not sure if it's because my new complaint-free ideology has started to sink in or because I've just been unusually quiet the last week or so. Stress has been high (remember that whole can't-have-a-baby-and-now-we're-broke predicament I described?), and my usual strategy for that is to hunker down and work my way through it. As a result, I've been more focused on the big picture and have been less bothered by the day-to-day trivialities that usually occupy my complaints.
Though I have been complaining less, I can't say that my attitude has improved much. But I guess that's like a smoker saying that, gee, these past two weeks of running haven't done much to improve my fitness. I know it will take some time, and I know that simply eliminating complaints won't be enough. But it will be a start.
It has been suggested that I should do more than focus on reducing negativity. That instead of making myself an empty vessel and waiting for the flood of optimism and good humor to fill me (because it's just been waiting to get in), that I should find ways to fill myself with more positive thoughts.
Looking for the positive has been an exercise in futility in the past. Friends have tried this tactic many times, and I slam down every "what about...?" with a crushing dose of unfiltered reality. For me, looking for the positive in most situations has been akin to saying, "This homelessness is not so bad. I mean, you've only been robbed twice this week -- that's an all-time low -- and you were first in line at the soup kitchen last night." Not much consolation.
But I guess it's all in the spirit of the blog. Maybe focusing on the positive enough will drown out the negative. Or maybe it's just working two sides of the same problem (diet and exercise). I will become the Stuart Smalley of my life.
In that spirit, I will start listing three things each day that make me happy. It could be something about my life or myself, or it could just be something that I like and that makes me laugh.
1. My cat and I had a most productive cuddle session.
2. I found out that I have a free pass to a swanky (expensive) fundraising dinner because I'm on the board.
3. I discovered this song (which was most apropos):
Though I have been complaining less, I can't say that my attitude has improved much. But I guess that's like a smoker saying that, gee, these past two weeks of running haven't done much to improve my fitness. I know it will take some time, and I know that simply eliminating complaints won't be enough. But it will be a start.
It has been suggested that I should do more than focus on reducing negativity. That instead of making myself an empty vessel and waiting for the flood of optimism and good humor to fill me (because it's just been waiting to get in), that I should find ways to fill myself with more positive thoughts.
Looking for the positive has been an exercise in futility in the past. Friends have tried this tactic many times, and I slam down every "what about...?" with a crushing dose of unfiltered reality. For me, looking for the positive in most situations has been akin to saying, "This homelessness is not so bad. I mean, you've only been robbed twice this week -- that's an all-time low -- and you were first in line at the soup kitchen last night." Not much consolation.
But I guess it's all in the spirit of the blog. Maybe focusing on the positive enough will drown out the negative. Or maybe it's just working two sides of the same problem (diet and exercise). I will become the Stuart Smalley of my life.
In that spirit, I will start listing three things each day that make me happy. It could be something about my life or myself, or it could just be something that I like and that makes me laugh.
1. My cat and I had a most productive cuddle session.
2. I found out that I have a free pass to a swanky (expensive) fundraising dinner because I'm on the board.
3. I discovered this song (which was most apropos):
Sunday, January 9, 2011
What's In a Complaint?
My first week of attempting a complaint-free life has been about as successful as LiLo's attempts at sobriety:
I'm like the drunk who doesn't get it -- "No, it's cool; I'm just drinking beer tonight." I'm not even aware that I'm complaining until I start to think about this blog and realize that I've spent the last hour cursing motorists, elbowing my way through Whole Foods and grumbling down the aisles, and lamenting over my to-do list for the coming week. Sometimes I catch myself after I've let out a "FUCK! What the hell are you DOING? Get out of the fucking way!" while I'm throwing up my arms at the driver lingering at the right-turn red. Then I think "Wait, was that a complaint?"
While we were in the grocery store today, a family was passing us in the aisle. We couldn't move any farther to the right, and the family moved all the way to the left -- except for one little boy. He walked straight up to our cart and stood in front of it and stared at my husband. He only moved when his mother said something to him, then he muttered something like "MAN, that guy wouldn't get out of my WAY!" The mother said nothing. I looked at the woman and just said, "Wow." Considering what was running through my mind at the time, I consider that progress.
Then I wondered: Are my thoughts in play also? Should I try to be limiting the complaints that are scrolling through my head like a 24-hours news ticker, or is it enough to concentrate on limiting their expression?
Later, at the checkout, we overheard some cashiers complaining about how busy the store was because -- apparently, to them -- there was a rush because snow was forecast for tonight. (We live in the South. We treat forecasts of snow like prophecy of the Armageddon.) One cashier threw down a slat of groceries in mock excitement and yelled, "It's all going to melt!" I don't get the sarcasm, but I got her intent. My husband said, "Wow, that was really rude." I said back, "What does she want? If people don't shop here, she won't get a fucking paycheck." I hate hipster douche bags.
But then I wondered if that's a kind of justified complaint? A criticism in response to someone's shitty attitude. Is criticism complaint?
Griping about my daily run-ins has become such an automatic process that I don't even realize I'm doing it. And it's hard for me to distinguish petty complaining from other negative speech, like criticism or cries of frustration (i.e. "Fuck!") What's justified?
Luckily, I took some vacation time and have spent the last week at home. It's hard to find much to complain about when all I do is sit in front of the computer or watch movies. It's when I have to actually get changed out of my pajamas that the trouble starts. And I have to start wearing pants that button again starting tomorrow. Trouble lies ahead.
I would be happy to spend my days zipper-free. It's when I have to be accountable to people -- or really to interact with them in any way -- that I start to get frustrated. Perhaps my only options are to become a hermetic writer or one of those cheesy search-engine-optimizing-passive-income-touting-millionaire-by-30-motivational-speaking entrepreneurs. (I guess I already missed the boat on one part of that profile...) I don't mind selling out if it means I don't have to play nice with others.
Since I'm probably not going to make millions from this blog or the lottery, it looks like I'm going to have to find a way to live amongst the people and manage my frustrations.
I'm like the drunk who doesn't get it -- "No, it's cool; I'm just drinking beer tonight." I'm not even aware that I'm complaining until I start to think about this blog and realize that I've spent the last hour cursing motorists, elbowing my way through Whole Foods and grumbling down the aisles, and lamenting over my to-do list for the coming week. Sometimes I catch myself after I've let out a "FUCK! What the hell are you DOING? Get out of the fucking way!" while I'm throwing up my arms at the driver lingering at the right-turn red. Then I think "Wait, was that a complaint?"
While we were in the grocery store today, a family was passing us in the aisle. We couldn't move any farther to the right, and the family moved all the way to the left -- except for one little boy. He walked straight up to our cart and stood in front of it and stared at my husband. He only moved when his mother said something to him, then he muttered something like "MAN, that guy wouldn't get out of my WAY!" The mother said nothing. I looked at the woman and just said, "Wow." Considering what was running through my mind at the time, I consider that progress.
Then I wondered: Are my thoughts in play also? Should I try to be limiting the complaints that are scrolling through my head like a 24-hours news ticker, or is it enough to concentrate on limiting their expression?
Later, at the checkout, we overheard some cashiers complaining about how busy the store was because -- apparently, to them -- there was a rush because snow was forecast for tonight. (We live in the South. We treat forecasts of snow like prophecy of the Armageddon.) One cashier threw down a slat of groceries in mock excitement and yelled, "It's all going to melt!" I don't get the sarcasm, but I got her intent. My husband said, "Wow, that was really rude." I said back, "What does she want? If people don't shop here, she won't get a fucking paycheck." I hate hipster douche bags.
But then I wondered if that's a kind of justified complaint? A criticism in response to someone's shitty attitude. Is criticism complaint?
Griping about my daily run-ins has become such an automatic process that I don't even realize I'm doing it. And it's hard for me to distinguish petty complaining from other negative speech, like criticism or cries of frustration (i.e. "Fuck!") What's justified?
Luckily, I took some vacation time and have spent the last week at home. It's hard to find much to complain about when all I do is sit in front of the computer or watch movies. It's when I have to actually get changed out of my pajamas that the trouble starts. And I have to start wearing pants that button again starting tomorrow. Trouble lies ahead.
I would be happy to spend my days zipper-free. It's when I have to be accountable to people -- or really to interact with them in any way -- that I start to get frustrated. Perhaps my only options are to become a hermetic writer or one of those cheesy search-engine-optimizing-passive-income-touting-millionaire-by-30-motivational-speaking entrepreneurs. (I guess I already missed the boat on one part of that profile...) I don't mind selling out if it means I don't have to play nice with others.
Since I'm probably not going to make millions from this blog or the lottery, it looks like I'm going to have to find a way to live amongst the people and manage my frustrations.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Smilers Never Lose, and Frowners Never Win
I'm a frowner. A grump. A complainer.
I'm not a bright-sider. No one is going to accuse me of being a Pollyanna. When I was in high school, the manager at the maternity store where I worked once told me, "You're just like Eeyore." Then hunched over and in a mopey voice said, "I guess it's my birthday." I was truly confused. It wasn't my birthday. And did she think I was acting sad?
It was the first time someone had told me that I complain too much. But it didn't hit me like some great epiphany. It wasn't the moment that I turned it all around and decided to seize life and become a better person. I was 16, after all.
I wish I could say that things have changed since then, but they haven't. I've only come to love my curmudgeonly demeanor, and complaining is like a competitive sport. It's a way to commiserate. To vent frustration. To lampoon the idiots I seem to encounter everywhere I go.
Take for example:
The J.Lo wannabe in the pink velour tracksuit who jumped on the treadmill next to me talking on her cell phone. Her cell phone! What is so fucking important that she couldn't interrupt her hard, hard workout walking it out at a 3.0? Unfortunately, I didn't have to wonder since she had to talk over the sound of all those annoying people working out to be heard. By everyone. Including me -- over my headphones and my Lady Gaga. I reached the point where I either had to abandon my for-real adrenaline-pumping workout or to jump off the treadmill and scream "Get off the fucking phone you fucking idiot!" I chose to leave. Probably better.
Or the person who keeps calling me repeatedly from an unknown number. Newsflash people of 2011: Cell phones all have caller ID. I can see that you've called me five times in the last hour. And continue to do so every few hours every couple of days. I finally answered the phone with a huffy "Hell-O????" and the person hung up. Clearly, the voice message that picks up every time the phone goes unanswered and that identifies my phone number and my full name was not enough to tip this person off that it was the wrong number.
Or the lady who ran after me as I pulled my cart into the checkout lane and repeatedly cried out "Excuse me. Excuse me!" with more and more annoyance. She caught up to me and said, "He was helping me. I'm coming back. Excuse me. Excuse me!" I had not moved ahead to the register. I was still standing at the back of the line, and she had enough space to get by my cart. I finally started backing up, and said, "I'm trying to get out of your way" and then ran over her foot with my cart. I'm usually the asshole.
It's not always people. Sometimes it's the stupidity of everyday living. Like when I asked the woman at the Whole Foods pizza bar if I could order a cheese pizza on whole-wheat crust and she told me that she just used the last whole-wheat dough to make the pizza that was on the counter. A pizza that she had just put out. A pizza that was completely whole and had not been served. "Oh, OK, well I'll just take that pizza then." Oh sure, she can pack that up for me but she'll just have to charge me by the slice. I mean, what can be done? The pizza's been cut. Her hands are tied!
Or the fact that there are no parking spaces at the Wal-Mart on New Year's Day. Like, at all. Not even if I want to walk a mile to the store from the back of the parking lot. None. What is so fucking special about Wal-Mart on New Year's Day?? Don't you people have resolutions to make and better lives to lead or something equally cliche? Maybe it was a rush on power bars.
Or all the status updates on Facebook that talk about how amazing their New Year is going to be or how awesome their fucking life is in general. We all get it. You are great. We all wish we could be like you.
Or people who respond with "we" when you ask about "you." Or hipsters. Or Katy Perry.
I could go on and on and on. But this is my problem, I've come to realize. Or at least part of it.
I've allowed myself to focus too much on negativity, and it has contributed to an overall shitty outlook on life. Petty complaints are not the cause of my shitty outlook, but they help me justify it. To be more technical than "shitty," research has shown that there is an established connection between the shape you allow your thoughts to take and the outlook you have. It's like training for the mind. If you allow yourself to focus on the negative, you have a hard time seeing much else. Focusing on the negative makes you feel more negative, and it makes the people around you feel more negative.
A few years ago, I saw a therapist who suggested that I try to "think more positively." That was her big recommendation. I had been seeing her for over a year for depression and some other issues, and I had decided that the therapy wasn't working for me and that I wasn't going to see her anymore. And that was her closing thought: Think more positively. I wanted to laugh in her face. Her advice was tantamount to "Forget about that crushing sense of emptiness; look at a cute kitten." But the more time has passed, and the more I've realized the effect of my own thought patterns, the more I think that her suggestion wasn't completely ridiculous.
Years of grousing and turning over my lamentations in the form of wry commentary and sardonic observation haven't done much to improve my mood. And the running rant that's in my head only reminds me of all the things in life that make me unhappy. With that realization, I decided to make a change. I issued myself a challenge: To stop complaining. For a whole year. Change is about small steps. I don't plan to turn myself into a rainbow-loving, mantra-spouting, hand-holding yogi. But I would like to unburden myself a bit and feel more bright-eyed and hopeful.
According to some experts, the benefits may be more than mental. The Mayo Clinic says that positive thinking can contribute to:
* Increased life span
* Lower rates of depression
* Lower levels of distress
* Greater resistance to the common cold
* Better psychological and physical well-being
* Reduced risk of death from cardiovascular disease
* Better coping skills during hardships and times of stress
It turns out that I'm not alone in targeting complaining as a source of negativity:
A Kansas pastor issued his church a 21-day "no complaints" challenge, which also included a ban on criticizing, gossiping, and using sarcasm. The challenge was issued with handy purple bracelets as a visual reminder: If you complain, you change the bracelet to the other wrist, and you start the 21 days all over. You know how I love a colored-bracelet campaign.
Like I said: I'm not attempting a total thought overhaul. I'll just focus on the complaints for now. And how do I distinguish a genuine complaint from other forms of so-called "negative" speech? (As I do not consider sarcasm or profanity, among others, to be unqualified negatives...)
I define the complaining that I'm targeting as the pettiness and trivialities that have no real consequence in my life. That person at Wal-Mart took up two minutes of my day, and I will never see her again. The person who keeps calling me on my phone is disturbing nothing more than my call record. These minor annoyances should not form the substance of my conversation or become the focus of my thoughts.
But it's not all Katy Perry and annoying gym girls. There is occasion for real complaint.
The past few years seem to have given me more than my share of reasons. My husband is unemployed for the third time in the last two years. His last day of work was Christmas Eve. We spent our Christmas at home alone -- without a tree, without any gifts, and without the traditional feast. I spent the day working on freelance projects, and he spent the day looking for work. But even worse than any of that was having to face the question the following week: "How was your Christmas?" Every lie made me wince with the knowledge of how our holidays really were/are. And every time I let out even a fraction of the truth, I was met with uncomfortable silence or awkward platitudes. Apparently, I'm meant to make myself feel worse to make others feel good.
Christmas also marked our 18th month of trying to have a baby. I have been prescribed different fertility treatments for the last 9 months, and I have worked diligently to reduce stress and to improve my diet and my overall health.I've tried a raw diet, a vegan diet, a low-carb diet, a high-carb diet, a high-protein diet. I've anguished over whether to eat broccoli or chickpeas (for their influence on hormones). I've tried meditation. I've tried acupuncture. I've stopped drinking, I've started running, and I've taken a pharmacy of supplements. And I've slept more than I ever have. In October, we were ecstatic when we found out I was finally pregnant. A week later, I had a miscarriage.
It has been hard to muster a positive attitude. It's hard to try to find the point.
When I consider what I want in my life -- to find happiness, to feel connection, to live with passion, to create a loving family -- that's when I find the point. I can't create lasting happiness if I let myself become too focused on petty annoyances. And I can't reduce the stress in my life if I allow myself to get worked up over people that I don't know or who aren't close to me.
Maybe this experiment will do little more than clear the mental clutter in one small corner. Maybe it won't be enough to make an impact, or maybe it's only addressing the enamel and not the stone.
No matter the outcome, I feel it's a step worth taking, and I feel hopeful. I don't expect to make it 365 days complaint-free. If the attempt turns out anything like my attempt to give up sugar, I'll be feasting on expletives and caricature in about two weeks. But I hope that by the end of the year, my number of complaint-free days outnumbers those clouded by grievances, and that I'll have developed a more positive attitude.
It won't be easy. I just heard that Diddy is now calling himself Diddy Dirty Money... Be strong. Be strong.
"People who do not see their choices do not believe they have choices. They tend to respond automatically, blindly influenced by their circumstances and conditioning. Mindfulness, by helping us notice our impulses before we act, gives us the opportunity to decide whether to act and how to act." -- The Issue at Hand, Gil Fronsdal
I'm not a bright-sider. No one is going to accuse me of being a Pollyanna. When I was in high school, the manager at the maternity store where I worked once told me, "You're just like Eeyore." Then hunched over and in a mopey voice said, "I guess it's my birthday." I was truly confused. It wasn't my birthday. And did she think I was acting sad?
It was the first time someone had told me that I complain too much. But it didn't hit me like some great epiphany. It wasn't the moment that I turned it all around and decided to seize life and become a better person. I was 16, after all.
I wish I could say that things have changed since then, but they haven't. I've only come to love my curmudgeonly demeanor, and complaining is like a competitive sport. It's a way to commiserate. To vent frustration. To lampoon the idiots I seem to encounter everywhere I go.
Take for example:
The J.Lo wannabe in the pink velour tracksuit who jumped on the treadmill next to me talking on her cell phone. Her cell phone! What is so fucking important that she couldn't interrupt her hard, hard workout walking it out at a 3.0? Unfortunately, I didn't have to wonder since she had to talk over the sound of all those annoying people working out to be heard. By everyone. Including me -- over my headphones and my Lady Gaga. I reached the point where I either had to abandon my for-real adrenaline-pumping workout or to jump off the treadmill and scream "Get off the fucking phone you fucking idiot!" I chose to leave. Probably better.
Or the person who keeps calling me repeatedly from an unknown number. Newsflash people of 2011: Cell phones all have caller ID. I can see that you've called me five times in the last hour. And continue to do so every few hours every couple of days. I finally answered the phone with a huffy "Hell-O????" and the person hung up. Clearly, the voice message that picks up every time the phone goes unanswered and that identifies my phone number and my full name was not enough to tip this person off that it was the wrong number.
Or the lady who ran after me as I pulled my cart into the checkout lane and repeatedly cried out "Excuse me. Excuse me!" with more and more annoyance. She caught up to me and said, "He was helping me. I'm coming back. Excuse me. Excuse me!" I had not moved ahead to the register. I was still standing at the back of the line, and she had enough space to get by my cart. I finally started backing up, and said, "I'm trying to get out of your way" and then ran over her foot with my cart. I'm usually the asshole.
It's not always people. Sometimes it's the stupidity of everyday living. Like when I asked the woman at the Whole Foods pizza bar if I could order a cheese pizza on whole-wheat crust and she told me that she just used the last whole-wheat dough to make the pizza that was on the counter. A pizza that she had just put out. A pizza that was completely whole and had not been served. "Oh, OK, well I'll just take that pizza then." Oh sure, she can pack that up for me but she'll just have to charge me by the slice. I mean, what can be done? The pizza's been cut. Her hands are tied!
Or the fact that there are no parking spaces at the Wal-Mart on New Year's Day. Like, at all. Not even if I want to walk a mile to the store from the back of the parking lot. None. What is so fucking special about Wal-Mart on New Year's Day?? Don't you people have resolutions to make and better lives to lead or something equally cliche? Maybe it was a rush on power bars.
Or all the status updates on Facebook that talk about how amazing their New Year is going to be or how awesome their fucking life is in general. We all get it. You are great. We all wish we could be like you.
Or people who respond with "we" when you ask about "you." Or hipsters. Or Katy Perry.
I could go on and on and on. But this is my problem, I've come to realize. Or at least part of it.
I've allowed myself to focus too much on negativity, and it has contributed to an overall shitty outlook on life. Petty complaints are not the cause of my shitty outlook, but they help me justify it. To be more technical than "shitty," research has shown that there is an established connection between the shape you allow your thoughts to take and the outlook you have. It's like training for the mind. If you allow yourself to focus on the negative, you have a hard time seeing much else. Focusing on the negative makes you feel more negative, and it makes the people around you feel more negative.
A few years ago, I saw a therapist who suggested that I try to "think more positively." That was her big recommendation. I had been seeing her for over a year for depression and some other issues, and I had decided that the therapy wasn't working for me and that I wasn't going to see her anymore. And that was her closing thought: Think more positively. I wanted to laugh in her face. Her advice was tantamount to "Forget about that crushing sense of emptiness; look at a cute kitten." But the more time has passed, and the more I've realized the effect of my own thought patterns, the more I think that her suggestion wasn't completely ridiculous.
Years of grousing and turning over my lamentations in the form of wry commentary and sardonic observation haven't done much to improve my mood. And the running rant that's in my head only reminds me of all the things in life that make me unhappy. With that realization, I decided to make a change. I issued myself a challenge: To stop complaining. For a whole year. Change is about small steps. I don't plan to turn myself into a rainbow-loving, mantra-spouting, hand-holding yogi. But I would like to unburden myself a bit and feel more bright-eyed and hopeful.
According to some experts, the benefits may be more than mental. The Mayo Clinic says that positive thinking can contribute to:
* Increased life span
* Lower rates of depression
* Lower levels of distress
* Greater resistance to the common cold
* Better psychological and physical well-being
* Reduced risk of death from cardiovascular disease
* Better coping skills during hardships and times of stress
It turns out that I'm not alone in targeting complaining as a source of negativity:
A Kansas pastor issued his church a 21-day "no complaints" challenge, which also included a ban on criticizing, gossiping, and using sarcasm. The challenge was issued with handy purple bracelets as a visual reminder: If you complain, you change the bracelet to the other wrist, and you start the 21 days all over. You know how I love a colored-bracelet campaign.
Like I said: I'm not attempting a total thought overhaul. I'll just focus on the complaints for now. And how do I distinguish a genuine complaint from other forms of so-called "negative" speech? (As I do not consider sarcasm or profanity, among others, to be unqualified negatives...)
I define the complaining that I'm targeting as the pettiness and trivialities that have no real consequence in my life. That person at Wal-Mart took up two minutes of my day, and I will never see her again. The person who keeps calling me on my phone is disturbing nothing more than my call record. These minor annoyances should not form the substance of my conversation or become the focus of my thoughts.
But it's not all Katy Perry and annoying gym girls. There is occasion for real complaint.
The past few years seem to have given me more than my share of reasons. My husband is unemployed for the third time in the last two years. His last day of work was Christmas Eve. We spent our Christmas at home alone -- without a tree, without any gifts, and without the traditional feast. I spent the day working on freelance projects, and he spent the day looking for work. But even worse than any of that was having to face the question the following week: "How was your Christmas?" Every lie made me wince with the knowledge of how our holidays really were/are. And every time I let out even a fraction of the truth, I was met with uncomfortable silence or awkward platitudes. Apparently, I'm meant to make myself feel worse to make others feel good.
Christmas also marked our 18th month of trying to have a baby. I have been prescribed different fertility treatments for the last 9 months, and I have worked diligently to reduce stress and to improve my diet and my overall health.I've tried a raw diet, a vegan diet, a low-carb diet, a high-carb diet, a high-protein diet. I've anguished over whether to eat broccoli or chickpeas (for their influence on hormones). I've tried meditation. I've tried acupuncture. I've stopped drinking, I've started running, and I've taken a pharmacy of supplements. And I've slept more than I ever have. In October, we were ecstatic when we found out I was finally pregnant. A week later, I had a miscarriage.
It has been hard to muster a positive attitude. It's hard to try to find the point.
When I consider what I want in my life -- to find happiness, to feel connection, to live with passion, to create a loving family -- that's when I find the point. I can't create lasting happiness if I let myself become too focused on petty annoyances. And I can't reduce the stress in my life if I allow myself to get worked up over people that I don't know or who aren't close to me.
Maybe this experiment will do little more than clear the mental clutter in one small corner. Maybe it won't be enough to make an impact, or maybe it's only addressing the enamel and not the stone.
No matter the outcome, I feel it's a step worth taking, and I feel hopeful. I don't expect to make it 365 days complaint-free. If the attempt turns out anything like my attempt to give up sugar, I'll be feasting on expletives and caricature in about two weeks. But I hope that by the end of the year, my number of complaint-free days outnumbers those clouded by grievances, and that I'll have developed a more positive attitude.
It won't be easy. I just heard that Diddy is now calling himself Diddy Dirty Money... Be strong. Be strong.
"People who do not see their choices do not believe they have choices. They tend to respond automatically, blindly influenced by their circumstances and conditioning. Mindfulness, by helping us notice our impulses before we act, gives us the opportunity to decide whether to act and how to act." -- The Issue at Hand, Gil Fronsdal
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