I'm like the drunk who doesn't get it -- "No, it's cool; I'm just drinking beer tonight." I'm not even aware that I'm complaining until I start to think about this blog and realize that I've spent the last hour cursing motorists, elbowing my way through Whole Foods and grumbling down the aisles, and lamenting over my to-do list for the coming week. Sometimes I catch myself after I've let out a "FUCK! What the hell are you DOING? Get out of the fucking way!" while I'm throwing up my arms at the driver lingering at the right-turn red. Then I think "Wait, was that a complaint?"
While we were in the grocery store today, a family was passing us in the aisle. We couldn't move any farther to the right, and the family moved all the way to the left -- except for one little boy. He walked straight up to our cart and stood in front of it and stared at my husband. He only moved when his mother said something to him, then he muttered something like "MAN, that guy wouldn't get out of my WAY!" The mother said nothing. I looked at the woman and just said, "Wow." Considering what was running through my mind at the time, I consider that progress.
Then I wondered: Are my thoughts in play also? Should I try to be limiting the complaints that are scrolling through my head like a 24-hours news ticker, or is it enough to concentrate on limiting their expression?
Later, at the checkout, we overheard some cashiers complaining about how busy the store was because -- apparently, to them -- there was a rush because snow was forecast for tonight. (We live in the South. We treat forecasts of snow like prophecy of the Armageddon.) One cashier threw down a slat of groceries in mock excitement and yelled, "It's all going to melt!" I don't get the sarcasm, but I got her intent. My husband said, "Wow, that was really rude." I said back, "What does she want? If people don't shop here, she won't get a fucking paycheck." I hate hipster douche bags.
But then I wondered if that's a kind of justified complaint? A criticism in response to someone's shitty attitude. Is criticism complaint?
Griping about my daily run-ins has become such an automatic process that I don't even realize I'm doing it. And it's hard for me to distinguish petty complaining from other negative speech, like criticism or cries of frustration (i.e. "Fuck!") What's justified?
Luckily, I took some vacation time and have spent the last week at home. It's hard to find much to complain about when all I do is sit in front of the computer or watch movies. It's when I have to actually get changed out of my pajamas that the trouble starts. And I have to start wearing pants that button again starting tomorrow. Trouble lies ahead.
I would be happy to spend my days zipper-free. It's when I have to be accountable to people -- or really to interact with them in any way -- that I start to get frustrated. Perhaps my only options are to become a hermetic writer or one of those cheesy search-engine-optimizing-passive-income-touting-millionaire-by-30-motivational-speaking entrepreneurs. (I guess I already missed the boat on one part of that profile...) I don't mind selling out if it means I don't have to play nice with others.
Since I'm probably not going to make millions from this blog or the lottery, it looks like I'm going to have to find a way to live amongst the people and manage my frustrations.
