Not working.

It's been about a hot minute since I posted here. It's been a busy few weeks, with surprise visits from out-of-town friends, a cold that knocked me on my ass for a few days, and ... oh YEAH writing and doll making in every spare second I have to make a coupla bucks. I'm a hustla baby... but that you knew.

Surprisingly, I have managed to remain complaint-free in my blogging absence. I haven't suddenly turned bright sider in the last 10 days -- I've just managed to keep my mouth shut about the nagging annoyances and everyday mini-dramas that normally get me going. (For example, I have managed to NOT tell everyone I know the story of the epic showdown between myself and the snarky grocery store cashier last weekend. I'm beginning to think I'm some kind of enfant terrible of the grocery store world -- it always seems to be where I run into trouble.)

Despite my success in limiting my complaints, there hasn't been a corresponding positive surge in my overall outlook. No warm fuzzies live here. In fact, the opposite has been true. My outlook is about as bad as it ever has been. And I've begun to question the wisdom of my endeavor. I know, I know: I'm like the person who stops eating carbs for two days and gets pissed when I haven't lost five pounds already then binges on cupcakes because it's just no use. (No, no reason why I picked that example. Carry on.) A few people have expressed doubts about the usefulness of limiting complaints, and I'm beginning to feel like I should join their ranks. (OK, RETURN to their ranks...) The general rule of thought is that limiting complaining is akin to limiting your feelings, which only leads to internalizing them and creating more problems for yourself. Or that complaining is really only a manifestation of underlying unhappiness about other aspects of your life. I generally agree with both arguments. But I also think that there is some value in limiting the manifestation of negative thoughts in order to create more positivity.

What are your thoughts? Do you think trying to cut out complaining is a worthwhile effort? Why or why not?

1. I managed to NOT eat Arby's on the way home from the gym tonight!

2. I actually WENT to the gym tonight!

3. It was a beautiful, sunny day out today. And it's still February.

Living for today...

Tonight, I attended a workshop at Duke Integrative Medicine called "An Evening of Mindfulness" with Dr. Jeffrey Brantley. The Duke Integrative Medicine Center is a mecca for hippies and other new-age types -- offering acupuncture, massage, yoga, meditation and other feel-good services. And underneath my cranky exterior, general misanthropy and on-again, off-again flirtations of becoming a lawyer or some other corporate type, I really am a big hippie at heart. I'm happy in a flowy patchwork skirt and a ring of tiny bells around my ankle. And I once had an intense black-light phase.

All that is to say that I could live at Duke Integrative Medicine and be very happy. I was first introduced to their services when my friend Jen bought me a "half-day experience" there after I had the miscarriage in October. I went for yoga, lunch, acupuncture (in which the acupuncturist unwittingly doubled as my therapist for the next hour) and some peaceful alone time (which they specifically cater to by offering several "reflecting" rooms, usually populated by trickling streams and rock formations).

Tonight, I attended the free workshop, which promised to offer tips for mindfulness to help reduce stress and anxiety. The center offers a more comprehensive, eight-week course on Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), and the workshop was a bit of a sales pitch to take the (very expensive) course. However, I did find the workshop to be very interesting, and it offered some valuable insights.

The premise behind the method is that you learn to focus on the present moment by focusing on your breathing or sounds around you, and you learn to let go of the nagging thoughts that can create anxiety. That includes the constant negative self-talk -- the inner critic. You learn to focus on the present instead of constantly rehashing events from the past or worrying about what might happen in the future. And once you're able to live more fully in the present, and learn to accept things as they are without judgment and criticism, you'll be better able to accept yourself and become less critical of those around you. And you'll be better able to control your reactions to situations.

This speaks to me. My inner critic is always at 11. And my mind is always racing. I am always thinking about not only what I have to do now, in the next few minutes, but what I have to do after that and then what I have to do after that and then what I have to do after that. And all the while, I'm still thinking about what I'm going to get accomplished over the weekend, by the end of the week, by the end of the month, by the end of the year, by the time I'm 35, by the time I'm 50, by the time I'm 80 and so on and so on. I am always questioning, always evaluating the ends and means of my days. Is this time well spent? Even if this is something I'd rather not be doing now, is it something that will add value to my life later? It's exhausting. But establishing that control is the only way I know to actually feel better in some ways about my life. It's an endless loop.

I'm also hesitant when it comes to meditation and other "mind control." I want something that will help NOW. Closing my eyes and listening to my breath doesn't calm me down so much as it puts me to sleep. It's like my body's way of rebelling. If I try to drag my mind kicking and screaming into the happy zone, it's like, "Nah. Peace."

Just as I was starting to warm up to the speaker and was starting to think, "Well, maybe I do feel a bit lighter after those two minutes of stillness..." he started asking the audience questions about how they deal with stress and what affect it has on their bodies, and I heard a familiar shrill voice ring out from the crowd. Old and creaky and laced with saccharine and hypocrisy. It's a voice that I heard whine to me every day about everyone who misunderstood her and just made her life so miserable when I was working as a temp a little over a year ago. It was the voice that made me wonder, "Shit, what am I going to do if they offer me the job?? I CAN'T listen to this every day." Sherry (not her real name) came into the office (the one that only she and I shared -- extra cozy comfort time) and complained to me about our boss, about all the co-workers who were out to get her, about her landlady who was so unfair because she wanted to charge her for breaking the lease early, about her son who never called, and about anything and everything that reminded her about how aggrieved she was. And when she wasn't complaining, she was always trying to convince me about how smart and cultured she was, telling me stories about great jobs she had had, or obscure books she had read. I hated her. The only way I had to cope with her was to literally not look at her when she spoke (hoping that keeping my back to her and typing away would make her think I was too busy to talk -- it didn't) and to respond to the things she said with things like "hmmm" or "mm--mm--mmo" (a mumbled "I dunno") or the occasional "huh."

Sherry was the perfect example of what constant complaining does to a person -- and everyone around that person.

I heard her voice and whipped around in shock. I wanted to jump out of my chair, point at her, and scream "Imposter! She's a dirty, lying hypocrite! Don't listen to her! Don't empathize with her! And, what more, she has robbed me of my moment of mindfulness!"

Alas, my brief mindfulness training kept me from doing so, and I was able to keep my attention on the lecture -- being mindful not to ever shift my gaze to the right and inadvertently make eye contact, and being careful to get up as soon as the lecture was over and leave without looking back.

I was able to slip out without making contact -- and I managed to buy one of the presenter's books while doing so. Maybe there is something to this mindfulness after all....

1. I heard a very inspiring lecture over the weekend that made me feel like great things are possible.

2. I got to spend time with some very good friends over the weekend.

3. Cookies and burritos -- no matter what they do to the waist line, they are good for the soul.

Fuck happy.

Who among you knows where that's from? If you do, then you're my people.

After a few swimming days of sunshine and roses, it all came crashing down. It seems like pesky people are going to keep ruining my road to recovery and sending me running right back to that limitless bottle of cynicism and snark. I'll admit: I do still carry a flask wherever I go.

Work. Since I'd like to keep my job, I'll leave it at that. That's all most of us ever really need to say, isn't it?

Unlike my 9 to 5 bread and butter, which will be off limits here, I will talk a whole bunch of shit about the freelance projects that have been making me question just how much I will put up with to make a buck.

Like I mentioned before, I lost my steady blogging-for-hire work. It sucked, and I hated it, but it was a nice side income. Since then, I have picked up some other writing work that pays considerably less. But it's still enough to bring in a little extra and help out. Except there's this: The guy I work with is a micromanaging incompetent ass with no sense of tone in e-mail (or a flagrant disregard for it).

I got an e-mail from him Saturday night -- Saturday night -- asking me how many posts he could send me to have done by Sunday night. Um, NONE. I do have a fucking life, thank you very much, and I'm not a blog-post-producing-24-hour-at-your-whim-writing-machine, and my friend is in town, and, oh yeah, I might actually just want to fuck off and do nothing. (OK, I NEVER do this, but what does he know?)

Today, I send him a couple of more posts. He writes me back and says to resend them and copy "James." James? Who the fuck is James? I don't know James, and I sure as hell don't know his e-mail. I say that. Instead of forwarding my posts to James, he e-mails me back with Jame's e-mail. Apparently, that forward would have taken longer than than the time it took him to reply. So I forward my e-mail and posts to James. Then he writes me back and says can I RESEND the posts again in a separate e-mail each to both him AND James.

In fact, EVERY TIME I send him a post, he e-mails me back and tells me to resubmit it over some formatting or submission issue that he did not make me aware of the first time around.

My impulse is to reply with a "Fuck you, you don't pay me enough to make your anal-retentive bullshit worth my time." Alas, I am trying to be more cool-headed these days.

Or maybe I'm just cranky because I've eaten not much more than pizza and cookies these last few days, haven't had much exercise, and haven't slept my usual 12 hours a day over the weekend. (Oh how far I've fallen....Half marathon shape: I hardly know ye any more.)

I have been on a complaint-a-thon the past few days. I guess the upshot is that I've been more aware of how much complaining I'm doing. Most of the time I announce it: Like when I walked into the adjacent office on Friday and said, "OK, I'm here to bitch." Before you can change your behavior, you have to have an understanding of it. And I'm becoming more conscious of how much I complain and why I do it.

However, I've had a lot of discussions with people lately about whether it's a good idea to cut out complaining. A friend and I talked about it just this week, and I got an e-mail earlier tonight. The argument is that you shouldn't suppress what you're thinking or feeling -- even if it's negative. Where do you draw the line between justified complaining (airing your grievances, your disappointments, your hurt feelings, etc.) and just dwelling on petty negativity? What are your thoughts, readers? Let me hear what you think!

No Worry Wednesdays: Some more inspiration for your week

Because everyone loves a lolcat.

If you need a little more inspiration for your week, check out these videos.


Not sure that Pulp Fiction speech counts as "inspiring," but here you go:




And some things to remember.... (sorry for the terrible sound quality)



OR remember these quotes:

The fact is, that to do anything in the world worth doing, we must not stand back shivering and thinking of the cold and danger, but jump in and scramble through as well as we can. -- Robert Cushing

Insist on yourself. Never imitate. -- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The happiness of life is made up of minute fractions—the little soon-forgotten charities of a kiss, a smile, a kind look, a heartfelt compliment in the disguise of a playful raillery, and the countless other infinitessimals of pleasurable thought and genial feeling. -- Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, It is the only thing that ever has. -- Margaret Mead

Continuing the discussion from my last post: What would you be doing if you could do anything, without regard for finances, family, or any other circumstance? What's holding you back? Let me hear from you in the comments!

This is your life, and it is ticking away, one second at a time.

When things seem to be at their worst, I learn that I'm wrong. They get worse.

It's been seven weeks now since Chris has been out of work, and I have been doing a lot of freelance writing to fill the gap. I've been working every day, for most hours of the day. The closest I come to relaxation time is watching a movie while I work on some craft project that I'll be listing for sale. It's been doing wonders for my stress level. (The combination of intense stress and no money has led to a complete abandonment of baby making planning.)

This week, I lost my freelance blogging work. To put this into perspective: I made about $1,200 give or take every month with this work. That's gone.

I spent about a day feeling completely desperate -- just on the verge of tears all day. But two things happened: 1)I immediately kicked into survivalist mode and starting hatching plans for how to overcome this situation; and 2)I met my good friend for dinner, and she has a great way of putting things into perspective.

For some time now, I have been thinking about what I want to do in life. I was accepted to a great law school, and I deferred to start in the fall. But I've gone back and forth over whether I really want to go. I'm passionate about social justice work, but I'm not passionate about the idea of working 60 to 80 hours a week for only a slight salary increase (assuming that I'm working in public interest...). At the same time, I've been thinking about moving back overseas and teaching. But the idea of teaching doesn't appeal to me; traveling does. So I've been thinking of ways to work abroad again without teaching. I've been reading a lot of blogs written by people who just got tired of working 9-5 and dealing with the grind, and they decided to travel the world. And that's just what they do now. Some of them blog for money, but most of them simply work or volunteer in exchange for lodging. They do odd jobs along the way to pay for their food and other small expenses. That idea is so appealing to me.

I have spent far too long working every hour of my waking day on jobs and projects that are a means to an end -- but don't really inspire me or make me happy. And I just thought: "Well, that's life." Of course, we have to do things we don't want to do. We have to work jobs we don't want to work sometimes. We have to finish that project instead of lounging on the beach. We have to eat our vegetables for dinner, not ice cream. But I've been thinking more lately: Do we have to?

When I cut through all the qualifying and "well, if this, then that" scenarios and made myself answer the question "What would I be doing if I could do anything -- without regard to money, or circumstance, or any other consideration?" this was the answer: I'd be traveling, and I'd be writing.

Answering that question clearly and without equivocation has made me realize that I need to stop entertaining "what if" scenarios and start finding a way to get to the place where I can do those things. Thinking of these things as something that I'll do "one day" or when 'X' happens means that they will never happen. And I am not the type to take a passive role in my own life.

When I thought about what I was doing for my blogging job, I realized that I was doing everything -- writing, promoting, providing graphics -- except making the profits. That changes now. I will be creating several new blogs and Web sites designed to make a profit. And once they are successful enough to bring in a consistent income, I will be making my plans to travel. Chris' degree program is online, which means that he can do it anywhere, and since he's an artist, he can also do freelance work.

I will also be writing a book -- or two. I plan to write a memoir, and I have two solid ideas for novels. This will be my new focus.

I've spent too much time spending half my energy on projects that I care about -- meaning that they've fallen flat or fallen apart without being given enough effort, and meaning that I've wasted too much of my energy on things that don't bring me any happiness.

After I made these decisions, my week was actually quite good. I was hopeful and excited. I had an overwhelming sense that things would not only work out, but that they would eventually be great. And my complaints just naturally fell away. I'm not sure if this blog has helped me to have a more positive attitude, or it has made me think more proactively about my attitude and my approach, but either way, I am feeling more optimistic and empowered. And that's a win no matter how I got there.


Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
Please don't, please don't, please don't
There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short....

Reasons to be happy I'm NOT pregnant

I didn't include "3 Happy Things" in my last post because I was a ball of bitterness. Keeping in mind the spirit of this blog, I put together a list of reasons to be happy that I'm NOT pregnant. And then 10 more reasons to be happy I'm not yet a parent....

10 Reasons to Be Happy I'm NOT Pregnant

1. Fashion is still an option for me. I can put on a dress without looking like pork squeezed in sausage casing. Better still, I can still wear things like this:

2. What most women look forward to in pregnancy, I got in puberty. My breasts are this size WITHOUT being achy and full of milk and giving my husband an Oedipal complex.

3. Breakfast tastes better going down than coming up.

4. Southern Comfort? Yes, please.

5. If I go on about my problems with gas and indigestion, people still treat me like I'm disgusting. Which they should.

6. Strangers don't put their hands on my body when I'm in public -- at least not without getting the hammer. (Likely the policy even when I AM pregnant.)

7. The skin on my stomach is still as smooth as porcelain. No stretch marks.

8. Running is still an option.

9. Leaving on a jet plane -- not a problem.

10. I'm not a fucking crazy person.


10 Reasons to Be Happy I DON'T Have a Baby

1. I can sleep more than a few hours at a time. Hell, I can sleep until NOON on the weekends if I want to (which I usually do).

2. I can eat ice cream for dinner, and I don't have to justify it to anyone.

3. After a long and stressful day, silence is golden.

4. My conversations revolve around politics and religion and pop culture -- not poopies and crayons.

5. I don't have to talk in code. (Though my husband just pointed out to me that we can't say the "t" word or the "c" word -- "treat" and "car" for those without dogs.)

6. The picture on my Facebook profile actually features me.

7. "Date night" is whenever I want it to be. I don't have to schedule my free time. In fact, I don't have to make a "date night." Every night is date night.

8. The whole house is my bedroom. I can have sex whenever I want to, wherever I want to.

9. I don't have to trade Desperate Housewives for Spongebob.

10. Strangers don't get to judge me because my kid throws down in the middle of Wal-Mart and starts screaming his head off. If they don't like something I do, I tell them to fuck off and go about my day.