Reasons to be happy I'm NOT pregnant

I didn't include "3 Happy Things" in my last post because I was a ball of bitterness. Keeping in mind the spirit of this blog, I put together a list of reasons to be happy that I'm NOT pregnant. And then 10 more reasons to be happy I'm not yet a parent....

10 Reasons to Be Happy I'm NOT Pregnant

1. Fashion is still an option for me. I can put on a dress without looking like pork squeezed in sausage casing. Better still, I can still wear things like this:

2. What most women look forward to in pregnancy, I got in puberty. My breasts are this size WITHOUT being achy and full of milk and giving my husband an Oedipal complex.

3. Breakfast tastes better going down than coming up.

4. Southern Comfort? Yes, please.

5. If I go on about my problems with gas and indigestion, people still treat me like I'm disgusting. Which they should.

6. Strangers don't put their hands on my body when I'm in public -- at least not without getting the hammer. (Likely the policy even when I AM pregnant.)

7. The skin on my stomach is still as smooth as porcelain. No stretch marks.

8. Running is still an option.

9. Leaving on a jet plane -- not a problem.

10. I'm not a fucking crazy person.


10 Reasons to Be Happy I DON'T Have a Baby

1. I can sleep more than a few hours at a time. Hell, I can sleep until NOON on the weekends if I want to (which I usually do).

2. I can eat ice cream for dinner, and I don't have to justify it to anyone.

3. After a long and stressful day, silence is golden.

4. My conversations revolve around politics and religion and pop culture -- not poopies and crayons.

5. I don't have to talk in code. (Though my husband just pointed out to me that we can't say the "t" word or the "c" word -- "treat" and "car" for those without dogs.)

6. The picture on my Facebook profile actually features me.

7. "Date night" is whenever I want it to be. I don't have to schedule my free time. In fact, I don't have to make a "date night." Every night is date night.

8. The whole house is my bedroom. I can have sex whenever I want to, wherever I want to.

9. I don't have to trade Desperate Housewives for Spongebob.

10. Strangers don't get to judge me because my kid throws down in the middle of Wal-Mart and starts screaming his head off. If they don't like something I do, I tell them to fuck off and go about my day.