This is your life, and it is ticking away, one second at a time.

When things seem to be at their worst, I learn that I'm wrong. They get worse.

It's been seven weeks now since Chris has been out of work, and I have been doing a lot of freelance writing to fill the gap. I've been working every day, for most hours of the day. The closest I come to relaxation time is watching a movie while I work on some craft project that I'll be listing for sale. It's been doing wonders for my stress level. (The combination of intense stress and no money has led to a complete abandonment of baby making planning.)

This week, I lost my freelance blogging work. To put this into perspective: I made about $1,200 give or take every month with this work. That's gone.

I spent about a day feeling completely desperate -- just on the verge of tears all day. But two things happened: 1)I immediately kicked into survivalist mode and starting hatching plans for how to overcome this situation; and 2)I met my good friend for dinner, and she has a great way of putting things into perspective.

For some time now, I have been thinking about what I want to do in life. I was accepted to a great law school, and I deferred to start in the fall. But I've gone back and forth over whether I really want to go. I'm passionate about social justice work, but I'm not passionate about the idea of working 60 to 80 hours a week for only a slight salary increase (assuming that I'm working in public interest...). At the same time, I've been thinking about moving back overseas and teaching. But the idea of teaching doesn't appeal to me; traveling does. So I've been thinking of ways to work abroad again without teaching. I've been reading a lot of blogs written by people who just got tired of working 9-5 and dealing with the grind, and they decided to travel the world. And that's just what they do now. Some of them blog for money, but most of them simply work or volunteer in exchange for lodging. They do odd jobs along the way to pay for their food and other small expenses. That idea is so appealing to me.

I have spent far too long working every hour of my waking day on jobs and projects that are a means to an end -- but don't really inspire me or make me happy. And I just thought: "Well, that's life." Of course, we have to do things we don't want to do. We have to work jobs we don't want to work sometimes. We have to finish that project instead of lounging on the beach. We have to eat our vegetables for dinner, not ice cream. But I've been thinking more lately: Do we have to?

When I cut through all the qualifying and "well, if this, then that" scenarios and made myself answer the question "What would I be doing if I could do anything -- without regard to money, or circumstance, or any other consideration?" this was the answer: I'd be traveling, and I'd be writing.

Answering that question clearly and without equivocation has made me realize that I need to stop entertaining "what if" scenarios and start finding a way to get to the place where I can do those things. Thinking of these things as something that I'll do "one day" or when 'X' happens means that they will never happen. And I am not the type to take a passive role in my own life.

When I thought about what I was doing for my blogging job, I realized that I was doing everything -- writing, promoting, providing graphics -- except making the profits. That changes now. I will be creating several new blogs and Web sites designed to make a profit. And once they are successful enough to bring in a consistent income, I will be making my plans to travel. Chris' degree program is online, which means that he can do it anywhere, and since he's an artist, he can also do freelance work.

I will also be writing a book -- or two. I plan to write a memoir, and I have two solid ideas for novels. This will be my new focus.

I've spent too much time spending half my energy on projects that I care about -- meaning that they've fallen flat or fallen apart without being given enough effort, and meaning that I've wasted too much of my energy on things that don't bring me any happiness.

After I made these decisions, my week was actually quite good. I was hopeful and excited. I had an overwhelming sense that things would not only work out, but that they would eventually be great. And my complaints just naturally fell away. I'm not sure if this blog has helped me to have a more positive attitude, or it has made me think more proactively about my attitude and my approach, but either way, I am feeling more optimistic and empowered. And that's a win no matter how I got there.


Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
Please don't, please don't, please don't
There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short....