Imagine a 50-year-old, 300-pound man suddenly deciding to run a marathon -- in four months. I am essentially that man. I have years of hard-earned cynicism and negativity that aren't going to come melting off without a little training. The determination is there. The desire is there. But so is life. And so are all its problems.
In the last month, I have grappled with the culminating effects of a nearly two-year battle with infertility (which occasionally erupted in tears and screaming, sometimes to strangers), the ongoing pressures of unemployment (my husband's, not my own), the attendant (but always lingering) struggle to understand exactly what the fuck it is I'm doing with my life (or even want to do), the lifelong culmination of family problems that include an estranged, drug-addicted mother (which is a VAST oversimplification and doesn't even begin to encompass the rest of the family drama that doesn't include her), work pressures, struggle with identity/self-image, and even more. No, I don't exaggerate to say that all these things have been pressing issues that have been actively dealt with in the past month. Add to that the fact that I have been unable to talk to most people about even one of these things, let alone all of them. What can anyone say?
The point is not to cry "Why me?" (though I still do sometimes...) but to note that perhaps it's just not the best time to try to force myself into sunniness and optimism. I'm not sure that even the most bright-eyed would come out the other side of this month without at least a few complaints.
So I'm dropping the blog. It's not helpful, and I just end up complaining about what I'm not complaining about. And I just don't want to have to think about another thing that isn't working out the way I'd like it to.
I leave you lovely people with this:
So this sounds like more of a termination then a sabbatical. I certainly appreciate that this is not a process or evolution that can be forced. It's like some screaming "just hurry up and relax!!" Clearly not creating peace. I'm sad to see you end it also because I will miss experiencing your writing. I hope that you will find a more effective way of cultivating peace, emotional comfort, and/or whatever other clarity and greatness you seek.
ReplyDeleteNo. If you think you are that middle aged corpulent old man, then even trying to walk a 5K in three months would be progress. If a broken treadmill, winter weather and a bum knee prevents training for a while- fine. Maybe the next 5K will have to do. But I think you've made some pretty amazing strides already. Your blog has been inspirational to me and many of your other followers as evidenced by the comments posted. I think taking a break for a while to heal in some other ways is fine and may be what is needed. But don't give up! Your blog is incredibly insightful and full of raw honesty. I think its a powerful way of keeping this goal of yours to be at more peace with yourself and the world around you in the limelight.
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